Written by  on March 28, 2003 

The weekend is coming up, starting for me today at 1700 hours Central Standard Time. What should I do with this 63 hours of lack of responsibility? I could do something productive. Like participate in a project to build a house for a poor family, but knowing my luck, former President and peanut farmer Jimmy Carter would show up, and I don’t particularly like him. Not because he was a crappy President, which he was, but mainly because he’s from Georgia. I could construct something for my stylish and exclusive loft, such as a table or divan, but that would probably involve using a circular saw, and I’m not too big on handling whirling blades of death. I have an aversion to anything sharp…in middle school, I sliced open my hand with a razor blade and I wasn’t even trying to commit suicide, though it did make me more popular for a bit with the chronically depressed kids at my school, who looked at me as some sort of role model. The other night, I sliced my thumb open with a kitchen knife, trimming fat from a chicken breast. I’ve cut myself on glass, box cutters, barbed wire and paper, amongst other things. I could write this weekend, but I do that every day, and I need the weekend to recharge and to experience funny things to write about.

I hate to let a weekend go to waste, so I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I have to do something productive, though I’d rather do something seductive–it’s just that I haven’t been too luckly lately. So, I’m going to try to develop a superpower. Everyone wants a superpower, whether it be the ability to fly or invisibility or super strength or the ability to make the perfect tiramisu. I want a superpower, too. I just need to decide what my superpower will be. Here are some of my top picks:

1. Amazing Knowledge of the Constellations – This sounds about as appealing as sticking my head into one of those 55 gallon drums of bull semen you can buy at cattle breeding suppliers. Why would I ever need to be a Galileo-wannabe? I never go seafaring, so I don’t have a need to pull out the ol’ astrolabe and plot a course to the New World (which would really be stupid, because I’m already in the New World). I don’t plan on going to outer space anytime soon, mainly because I don’t want my spacecraft to fall apart upon re-entry like an old Ford Fiesta.

2. Chronic Halitosis – This is a fairly easy one to obtain. Just stop brushing my teeth for a while–toss the ol’ Oral B, which, according to an old joke, is what you call a gay wasp. Not to be confused with a gay WASP. But the great thing about gay WASPs is that they have great recipes for casserole.

3. Debt – Not really a superpower, but seeing as how I have student loans and a car payment and what not hanging over me, it would be easy to obtain. Really easy. But then I’d have to watch out for my arch nemesis, The Collector, whose powers include harassing phone calls and threatening letters.

4. Carsickness – This is out of the question…I’ve never suffered through any kind of motion-related illness in my life. Motion sickness seems to be one of those things that you either have or you don’t. It reminds me of that one kid in school who always had to ride shotgun when you took a field trip in a school van. This was usually the same kid who’d do anything you asked him to, like eating a bug or yelling a questionable phrase in class. This was a lame and misguided attempt at popularity, but as long as you easily threw up on a car ride, you were never going to be popular.

5. Vice President – Dick Cheney seems to have this wrapped up, but it’s hard to tell if this is a lame power or not in his case, because I can’t remember the last time I saw him. Sure, there were others that certainly wielded this power with a certain lameness–Al Gore, Dan Quayle and Spiro Agnew come to mind. If anything, Cheney should try to attain a different power, like the ability to maintain a decent pulse rate.

So, there you have it…my potential superpowers. They’re all pretty lame, but I have to choose one. So at least have something to do this weekend. Shit…it’s going to be a lame weekend.

Category : Awesome

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