Something So Wrong

Tasty Spam

2008-07-16T17:35:00.000-05:00

Here's some spam I just got:

From: Geerdes [citsapep1974@3vicmall.com]
To:IS

Subject: White House terrorist plans foiled

Tasty come is very important to women, enhance its flavor here,
[Redacted URL]

You know, I don't really give a fuck if it's tasty or not. Also, I doubt its taste is "very important" to women.

Most. Frightening. Cake. Ever.

2008-07-14T17:34:00.000-05:00

Because I love me some hairy-chested Tom Selleck. Or not really.

"Breaking the Bank" Is Such A Weak Pun

2008-07-14T17:32:00.000-05:00

I was behind a big truck at a drive-thru ATM on time that ripped off the front of the machine when the driver pulled through after his transaction and the sides of the truck's bed snagged the unit. The asshole just drove off, but I jotted down the license plate numbers and called the bank the next day. All in all, though, I guess it could've been worse:

Would Ya�?

2008-07-14T17:31:00.000-05:00

Amy Winehouse?

Ack...no...no...no...cut my fucking eyes out...

"Vageener"

2008-07-11T17:28:00.000-05:00

You Know the Character's Name Wasn't "Walker Texas", Right?

2008-07-11T17:25:00.000-05:00

More Craigslist misfortune:

Someone have the key to my closet PLEASE - m4m - 44 (Longview)

Date: 2008-07-08, 9:55PM CDT

I am very discreet for myself, not even in conversation do I mention gay topics. Wanting to meet up with people who can show me where the rainbow connections are so I can finally experience the touch of a man�s body � maybe yours. I�m 5�6� 170# 6c DDF (I think that means Disease and Drug Free) . Not sure what I am willing to try. I think I would like to meet for coffee or drinks at the bar (if there is one in the area) first and go from there. I do know that men in drag turn my stomach and I just can�t imagine myself under an overweight. I am not prejudice but if I were to try dark, he would have to be super fit and trim. Like Walker Texas�s partner Clarence Gilyard. Send photos and stats please. Willing to travel on my days off.

Born on the Fourth of July?

2008-07-11T15:46:00.000-05:00

Is Michael Jackson

trying to imitate anti-war activist Ron Kovic?

Greased Lightbox

??+-?

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Once, I Was Atop A Mountain

2008-07-10T15:41:00.000-05:00

More Craigslist misfortune... http://easttexas.craigslist.org/mis/750009125.html

PALESTINE MAN - 54 (palestine texas)

Date: 2008-07-10, 4:06PM CDT

Looking for action friday or even this weekend Im atop man

Location: palestine texas
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 750009125

Home Depot Heroes

2008-07-10T15:37:00.000-05:00

This is a nicely wrong segment from The Onion News Network

More Motorcycle Dumb-assery

2008-07-10T15:35:00.000-05:00

Baggy Pants Indecent?

2008-07-09T15:10:00.000-05:00

Flint, Michigan is the latest city to see the inherent lameness of baggy, saggy pants, much like Dallas did while back. Thankfully, for us, Flint has created a graph that clearly defines this indecency:
Awesome use of "crackdown" for the obvious pun.

Smirk

2008-07-09T15:09:00.000-05:00

From a recent post at The Consumerist: "Last night we were out with friends and went to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory...my 5 year old daughter got an uncontrollable urge to use the bathroom and began crying and screaming 'diarrhea, diarrhea.' I ran into the store with her in my arms, begging to use the bathroom and they refused multiple times."... I begged them to have a heart and that she was 5 but by that time she had lost it all over herself and me. [..]"
While that's a horrific experience, you gotta love the irony of the name of the store. I hope those employees fucked themselve good by refusing to let them use the restroom then had to clean up that shit. Karma is awesome.

The Station Agent and Weezer

2008-07-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

MySpace Spammy Weakness

2008-07-08T15:06:00.000-05:00

So, as misfortunate as it is, I do have a MySpace page. A really, really weak one that doesn't have a lot of friends and is hardly ever visited, because I'm so incredibly reviled by everyone I've ever known. Or something like that. Anyhow, if you're like me, you receive scammy, spammy messages on MySpace occasionally. In fact, I just got one, as shown below: So, you're from Chicago but now you're in Africa? What the fuck is wrong with you? Also, you're in search of someone you can leave the rest of your life with? No thanks, scamwhore, but I already have enough life without you leaving me the rest of yours. "see if you can click"? WTF?

I Was A Stupid Kid

2008-07-08T15:05:00.000-05:00

I was thinking earlier about some stupid shit that I believed when I was a kid. I think we all have some stupid beliefs when we're kids, mainly because kids are fucking retarded. Really. For instance, when I was a kid, I totally thought that dogs were male and cats were female. And not only that, I also totally thought horses were male and cows were female. Same thing with lions and tigers.

But what brought up these fuzzy memories was this morning when I was driving to work and a motorcyclist passed me at a high rate of speed without wearing a helmet, despite them being a nice piece of safety equipment, <a href="http://www.somethingsowrong.com/?p=647">at least in our experience</a>. For some reason, the thought of a motorcycle helmet made me think of how when I was a little kid, I thought that all football players rode motorcycles because their helmets (to my retarded little-kid eyes) looked the same.

I also thought that the exhaust pipe was like a thruster of some sort and pushed the car along. Oh, and that the things that cover cars' wheels were "huff-cats" and that you might keep odds-and-ends inside your car in a "gluff-box".

Thunder was clouds crashing into each other.

I remember the first time I encountered the name "Charlotte" in print in grade school. I thought it was pronounced "Char-lotty". Also, "garage" was "guh-rage".

Women also had penises, but they were in the back, necessitating sitting down to pee.

Guerilla attacks you'd hear about on the news (usually taking place in some shitty South American locale) were carried out by gorillas.

Also, I vaguely remember thinking that our family sedan could fly, but this was (I think) only because my father--an interminable jokester--convinced me that it did, but we never actually took it flying because the fuel needed for flying was really expensive and hard to get.

This one isn't mine, but my ex-fiancee once told me a story about how her parents were taking her to Six Flags when she was a kid and they stopped at McDonald's for breakfast and she thought that the playground (or "McPlayPlace") was Six Flags. What a dumb bitch (no bitterness there, she really was stupid).

Finally, I thought that wheelchairs were for people too lazy to walk.

Is it Rob?

2008-07-08T15:04:00.000-05:00

More Craigslist lameness... http://easttexas.craigslist.org/mis/746019408.html

YOU SELL ME LIGHT BULBS - m4m (Longview)

Date: 2008-07-07, 4:17PM CDT You work at a local electrical supply house. I try to flirt with you when there. You have reddish brown hair, around 6', nice looking, single. Would like to get to know you better. Your name is a short version and starts with a r. Pls respond if you see this, letting me know either way. thanx!

Mmm...Beef

2008-07-08T15:03:00.000-05:00

Check out these new Cattlemen's Beef Board and National Cattlemen's Beef Association radio spots that Matthew McConaughey has recorded...they're incredibly creepy-sounding for some reason.

Gone Eatin' Neighbors The way he say's "Good Eatin'" in the first and keeps repeating the word "protein" throughout both are what really bother me. Also, he's no Sam Elliot. Originals here.

Motorcycle Stunt Stupidity

2008-07-07T15:02:00.000-05:00

Failed Motorcycle Stunts - Watch more free videos

This Looks Like An Awesome Vacation Spot

2008-07-07T15:01:00.000-05:00

Suppressed Memories

2008-07-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

For some reason the other night, a weird memory popped into my head. I remembered when I was a little kid, probably in fourth grade or so, my parents decided that we needed to, as a family, join an athletic club. So we joined Tyler Athletic Club, which was kind of the "ritzy" athletic club in mid-Eighties Tyler, Texas. It had your usual racquet/handball courts, a weight room and an outdoor pool that got covered by a giant air-supported dome during the winter. I also remember that the mens' locker room (and I'm guessing the womens') had a giant hot tub/spa/Jacuzzi/whatever-you-want-to-call-it in it. This specific memory involves this spa (and, no, it's not a suppressed memory of being molested or anything like that). I remember my brother and I swimming in the pool with my dad, then going into the locker room to change and we decided we'd get into the hot tub for a few minutes. As we're sitting there, an old guy sauntered up to the hot tub, totally naked, and got in. This, I found, was quite bothersome to me. I got out of the hot tub and went over to where my dad was getting dressed.

"That man is naked in the hot tub," I said as quietly as possible.

"So?," my father replied, "We used to swim naked at the YMCA when I was growing up. It was the rules."

This blew my mind. And also made me really glad that I was never forced to swim naked with other guys. But, being straight, I guess it'd be better with guys and than girls...I wouldn't want to have to try so hard from becoming aroused that my head would explode.

What kind of weird homo-eroticism was going on at the YMCA in the Fifties? I asked my dad why they made them swim naked and he said it had something to do with keeping swimsuit threads from clogging the filters or something.

I forgot about this whole thing until for some reason I thought of it the other night and mentioned it to 'Shank, who also thought it was kind of weird. And then this morning, I serendipitously saw the following article on the Houston Chronicle's site (read the whole thing here):

...[M]y strangest memory of Johnston [Junior High] has nothing to do with any student's behavior. A school policy from those days has left me mystified.

Boys had to swim naked in gym class.

...Why do they make us swim naked? The common answer ? "Threads from swimsuits clogged the pool drain" ? didn't make sense, because girls wore bathing suits...

...the Encyclopedia of Washington State History Web site states that males swam naked at YMCAs across the U.S. beginning in the 1890s.

The whole article is kind of interesting, but it's also interesting to think about how many issues with body images were either caused by this practice or could be prevented if it still continued. Maybe so many kids these days wouldn't be such fatties if they knew that they'd have to be naked around other kids who'd mock them. Or maybe our society wouldn't value "size" (you know, down there) so much if most guy's exposure to other penises (penii?) wasn't that of mis-proportionate porno dicks? (I learned a new term this weekend from Holly's gay friend Isaac: "Size Queen").

As I was writing this, another weird memory popped into my head. Middle school athletic physicals. I'd put this one of my mind until now...to play sports in middle school and high school, you had to get a physical and a signed doctor's note. The school provided free physicals on one Saturday right before school started in the Fall. I took advantage of these free physicals exactly once. Because they herded all the guys into the locker room and we had to strip down and sit around naked while they called each of us individually into the coach's office for the actual exam. I don't know about you, but because I'd never had the "opportunity" to be forced to be naked around other guys, either in school or at the YMCA, this made me extremely uncomfortable. Especially since I was between sixth and seventh grades and was still struggling somewhat under-developedly through puberty.

Rumor had it that the previous year Tim Handlin had "popped wood", as my friend Robert had informed us. This added to my anxiety...when you're in middle school, you get boners constantly and at inappropriate times for no apparent reason (I never failed to not get "church wood"). The more you think about not getting an erection at that age, the more likely you are to get an erection. I was stuck in a catch-22. I didn't want to "pop wood" like Tim Handlin and be forever mocked as a "homo" or "gay wad" or "faggot" or as that guy with the "small penis" (hey, I was like 12). But I couldn't think about not getting an erection because that'd automatically make me get one. And the more I tried to put it out of my mind, the more I thought about it.

Somehow, the gods smiled on me. I made it through the physical, though I was a nervous ball of anxiety after wards. The next year, I talked my mom, without going into specifics, into making my dad not be so cheap and let me go to my regular doctor for the physical.

But even to this day, I find that I have a bit of "wang-xiety" left, hating to use urinals without dividers or even dreaded trough-style urinals, lest some random person catch a glimpse of my junk. It doesn't help, either, when you're a grower and not a show-er.

Damn negative body image. Luckily, this is what shows up on my doorstep ever couple of weeks:

Too bad it's only because the guy that previously lived here forgot to change his address with them.

Totally Awesome Condom Spots From Around The World

2008-07-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

Belgium: China: France: Argentina:

Seriously?

2008-07-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

Are these Chinese anti-terrorist troops, utilizing euphemistic "Anti-Terror Assault Vehicles" supposed to actually gun down threatening individuals or make them laugh until they give up?
To read the full story, go here.

Happy Fourth of July!

2008-07-04T14:29:00.000-05:00

Fighting Makes Me Sick

2008-07-04T14:28:00.000-05:00

You Look Like A Black Boy

2008-07-03T14:27:00.000-05:00

I don't what this is or where it's from, but it's strangely creepy and vaguely racist...