Rumsfeld announces emo-kid only military draft
Monday, December 20, 2004 Posted: 9:57 PM EST
(0257 GMT)
The Pentagon, Virginia (AP) -- Embattled
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, citing a need to increase forces,
announced today that the Selective Service System would reinstitute
a military draft.
Rumsfeld, deflecting accusations of insensitivity based on reports
that his signature on letters of condolence to families of soldiers
killed in Iraq and Afghanistan was sign by machine, announced
at an afternoon news conference that he has authorized the Selective
Service to conduct the first conscription since February 1972.
"Let's face it," said a beleagured Rumsfeld, "our
forces are getting slaughtered in both Iraq and Afghanistan. As
no end to hostilities is in sight, I, along with the Joint Chiefs,
have been pondering how to keep our military forces strong and
well-manned during this time of war. After much soul-searching,
we've come to the conclusion that the only way to meet our goal
of maintaining at least a 30 soldier-per-week death rate for the
foreseeable future is to reinstate the draft. On that note, I
have instructed the Selective Service Board to begin preparing
for a draft lottery to be held in approximately six months.
"Since I, and the rest of the military establishment, hate
to risk the lives of our young men with bright futures ahead of
them, I have decided to make this draft an emo-kid only draft,
ensuring only those young men with no discernable future outside
of hanging out at Starbucks listening to Bright Eyes CDs and writing
in their online diaries will be sent into war zones."
Emo-kids, marked by their overt dramaticism and inexplicable
angst, along with a penchant for wearing thrift store fashions,
were quick to point out that they are, for the most part, pacifists
and wouldn't make very good soldiers, especially considering their
lack of upper-body strength and questionable sexuality. However,
their complaints have drawn no comment from the Pentagon brass,
apparently having fallen on deaf ears.
Two unidentified emo-kids react to the news that
they may soon
be inducted into the United States military.
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Rumsfeld said that the emo-kids should begin preparing to be
inducted into boot camp.
"That ought to give them something to whine about,"
said Rumsfeld.
Copyright 2004 The
Associated
Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published,
broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
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