So, I wandered out to my mailbox a couple of weeks back, anticipating bills, magazines and the usual crap I get these days. Imagine my surprise when I found an envelope from the United Kingdom, postmarked Tonbridge, Kent. Who knows me in the UK? Who would send me something? I tore open the envelope, only to find the following card:
That’s it. No note. No explanation. What does it mean? Who sent it? Why was it sent to me? Why do the British send their post through the Royal Mail while we send our mail through the Post Office?
Anyone care to share some insight?
Munich – December 1978
You and your incredibly ugly friends have gathered in a cafe to discuss ideas for the upcoming 1979 Eurovision song contest to be held–somewhat inexplicably–in Israel. The weight of 1972’s massacre of the Israeli Olympic team right there in your very own hometown still hangs heavily and you’re determined to impress the Israelis–to show them that Munich can be a fun and happy place.
Unfortunately, ideas for your entry are hard to come by. Perhaps you could sing a song about the ancient struggle of the Jews. Or maybe a somber ballad to the victims of the Holocaust. Or maybe something about the efficiency of the German people. Especially at how efficient they slaughtered 6 million Jews. No, that would probably not win any points with the Israelis.
You and your friends grow tired as the night wears on. Finally, inspiration strikes. You will create a fantasy group named after your favorite conquerer of peoples after Hitler–Genghis Khan. Of course, your German, so you’ll spell it “Dschinghis Khan”. And you’ll inexplicably sing a song called “Moskau”, after your favorite Soviet Bloc city. For the contest, you’ll wear wacky outfits and dance crazily. It’ll be a classic!
Click the picture to watch the wackiness
The Doody (hehe) family of Wolverhampton, West Midlands have been chosen to be the Mr. Brains Faggot Family. In case you’re not English, a faggot, despite describing most English men, is also a type of pork meatball.
Here’s the story from the BBC:
A West Midlands family is playing a central role in the quest to raise the profile of a forgotten British dish – faggots.
The Doody family from Wolverhampton has been crowned The Faggot Family in a national competition, and to kick off their reign they will launch National Faggot Week.
The family will be touring the country extolling the virtues of the dish, which is best-known for its links with the Black Country.
The Doody family were chosen to front the campaign after impressing judges at the Savoy Hotel in London in November.
“The nation knows that the Cornish pasty, Yorkshire pudding, haggis and fish and chips are great British dishes, but all too often the faggot is left off that list,” said Janet Doody.
Her husband Fred added: “It’s unfair because faggots were a British delicacy long before any of the others.
“The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year.”
The family, including Lewis, 13, and Grace, 7, eat faggots twice a week, with mashed potato and mushy peas, and will be launching the awareness campaign on Tuesday at Liverpool University, followed by visits this week to Nottingham, Leeds, Sheffield and Birmingham.
The competition was organised by faggot producer Mr Brain’s Faggots.
Some of you may remember FITB–the lame Fill-in-the-Blanks game on the now-dead Prodigy online service. Today, SSW presents David Beckham FITB. Our story so far: It seems David Beckham, who plays soccer, or “football”, for Real Madrid (but, strangely, won’t ride their trains) and former mid-fielder for Manchester United, has been caught cheating on his wife, Posh Spice (aka Victoria Adams) with his personal assistant, Rebecca Loos (or is that “Loose”?). Apparently, Beckham and Loos were exchanging SMS messages via cellphone discussing and talking about their “activities”. Several papers have run a couple of their exchanges, but have redacted the juicier words. For today’s game, fill in the blanks in the following (feel free to send in your answers to email@example.com. We’ll post our best guesses in a few days):
On March 10, hours before he played in the Champions League clash with Bayern Munich, it is claimed that Beckham, said to be alone in his hotel – texted Miss Loss.
Here are the messages they exchanged:
David Beckham: When u start your job? (Miss Loos left SFX in November)
Rebecca Loos: Sign contract next week. Can’t stop smiling jumping around
DB: Happy for you.If you have any jumping around to do come here
DB: At the hotel?
DB: Same one as last time – but a lot of press today mightnot be a good idea. Maybe next time
RL: OK will stop jumping and save it for when I see you and just keep smiling till then
DB: OK you need to save all that energy for ____.
RL: Is it ____?
DB: Very, very ____, thinking of your ____ and the ____.
RL: Remember the last time. I have never ____ so hard
DB: Now I am doing something, think about your ____.
RL: ____ your ____.
DB: Can’t wait for that. When can we do this and where?
RL: It’s difficult. You know best. Me always free.
DB: OK we have to try
RL: U made me so horny the other day had nightmare trying to focus. U playing tonight?
DB: Playing tonight. Glad I can still do that to you
RL: That and so much more
DB: What u doing now?
RL: Waiting for more, enjoying every second
DB: Shame I can’t hear and see that. Would be nice to join in
RL: You can join in any time you want and any way u want
DB: Where are u, in your bedroom?
RL: Yes am home alone
DB: Can just imagine how ____ ____ ____ u are
RL: U should see me, naked with only a white cotton G-string
DB: Love the sound of that cotton
RL: Call me then you’ll hear the real sound
It is claimed that Beckham rings then quickly hangs up after laughing on the line
RL: Did you hang up or was that me? Was just about to get started!
DB: Someone can in my room. ____ I was looking forward to that. Have u any of my stuff that you need to bring round
RL: What sort of stuff? Why uat hotel? What do u need?
DB: Any stuff u need to bring to the house one night. I am away right now. Just lay back and think of what I done to
you and ____ ____ ____
RL: Sorry for delay but just ____ so ____ and ____. Am sure I can find something to give u. R u still same house?
DB: Yes. And I’m sure u have something to give me
RL: Well just think about it and when safe etc let me know…just u and me in the dark alone…well candlelit dark.
DB: Not a problem, we will have fun
RL: It was nice to hear u laugh. When I see u I want to hear you groan and moan. I can’t wait
DB: Don;t worry, you will and I want to hear you scream
Late-breaking news-SSW Exclusive!
It has just been learned that Rebecca Loos’ cell phone is a Nokia 6600 with a built-in digital camera. Sources have supplied SSW with a picture taken with said phone by Ms. Loos that she apparently snapped just as David Beckham prepared to perform oral sex upon her:
Wednesday. Hump day. Half way through the damn work week. Tonight, I’ll be attending a performance of the Icelandic hippie peacenik band Sigur Ros. I’m not a huge fan, but the opportunity to see a bunch of Icelanders on stage isn’t one to be passed up. I mentioned that I would be seeing an Icelandic band to a co-worker and he had many questions about Sigur Ros and Iceland in general, so I took it upon myself to compile a short FAQ.
Q: Where is Iceland?
A: Iceland is located in the North Atlantic Ocean, midway between the aptly-named, recently discovered Newfoundland and England, home of the Engs. It is near Fireland, Earthland and Windland.
Q: What are the people of Iceland like?
A: The peoples of Iceland, having been cut off from the rest of the world for thousands of years, have evolved many traits. The most interesting trait that the Icelanders display is the fact they are made of ice. Because of this, they are forced to wear special “cold suits” when venturing forth from their homeland. Their chief language is Icelandic, which is characterized by a preponderance of consonants, umlauts and multi-syllabic words.
Q: What are some of the major cities in Iceland?
A: Reykjavik and, well…uh…Reykjavik. There aren’t any other cities, despite rumors to the contrary.
Q: What are some of the chief exports of Iceland?
A: Like Canada, Iceland is one of the world’s largest suppliers of ice. Over 90% of North America’s ice is harvested in the Icelandic ice mines. After harvesting it, it is loaded onto large refrigerated roll-on/roll-off container ships, which transport it to American ports such as New York, Houston and Los Angeles, where it is loaded onto trucks and trains to distribute to cities all over the nation. Late at night, gnomes employed by the ice companies sneak into our homes and refill our ice makers and ice trays.
Q: Are there any other Icelands in the world?
A: Disney World in Orlando, Florida features an Iceland near Tomorrowland. It features rides such as Mr. Yeti’s Wild Ride and The Luge.
Q: What is Sigur Ros’ music like?
A: It is atmospheric, much like the more mainstream bands Slantnipple and The Teething Hermaphrodites.
Q: What does Sigur Ros mean?
A: Loosely translated, it means “Pretentious Music”.
Q: Where can I hear Sigur Ros?
A: Besides at the Grenada Theatre tonight, you can hear some of their music in Cameron Crowe’s pretentious film “Vanilla Sky”, starring Scientologist mouthpieces Tom Cruise and Jason Lee.
Q: Does Sigur Ros sing in English or Icelandic?
A: Neither. Instead they sing in a pretentious made-up language called Hopelandic. Hopelandic is the main language of the pretentious made-up country Hopeland.
So there you have it, a look at Iceland and Sigur Ros.
Today’s dispatch is going to be short, but I just had to say something about Benedict Arnett…uh…I mean Peter Arnett. As you may or may not know, Peter Arnett, late of CNN, has been in Baghdad covering the war for MSNBC and National Geographic. Over the weekend, Arnett, who’s been criticized for being too cozy with the Iraqis, showed us exactly how cozy his is with them. He broadcast hardcore bukkake porn involving him and Uday Hussein. No, not really…Instead, he gave an interview with Iraqi TV. In this interview, he stated that the American’s war effort had failed. Later, NBC fired him, as did National Geographic for what in earlier wars would have been considered “aiding the enemy”, an offense that used to be punishable by death, but the US apparently doesn’t enforce this, because if we did, Jane Fonda wouldn’t be alive today. Her bones would be lost somewhere in the Vietnamese jungle. And we would have never been subjected to an endless stream of workout videos.
So, Monday morning, I flip on NBC’s Today Show with the sickening Katie Couric and, lo and behold, there was Peter Arnett, trying to explain himself. His lame excuse was that it was a “misjudgment”, which is kind of like saying the Kennedy assassination was an “accident”. Suffice it to say, it was too little, too late and Arnett was fired. Two hours later, he’s hired by the UK’s Daily Mirror, a tabloid. How sad is it to go from CNN to MSNBC to a tabloid in a period of four years? Face it, Arnett, that 1966 Pulitzer is useless now…it might have got you good jobs in the past, but here you are, reporting on Fran Drescher’s shopping spree at the Torrance K-Mart.
A lot of people have been wondering what the interview consisted of. Since DirecTV doesn’t seem to carry The Iraqi Network, I had to do a little research, but I was able to find a partial transcript of the interview. While I am sure that this is the intellectual property of The Iraqi Network, I’m not too worried about violating their copyright by reprinting it here. After all, what are they going to do, put a jihad on me? (I hope so…then I can hang out with Salman Rushdie)
Interview with Peter Arnett
Abdul Fuqwad (addressing camera): Welcome back to Iraq Today. I hope, for your sake, you enjoyed that inspirational message from the great leader, President Saddam Hussein. We’re here today with our good friend, Peter Arnett, of the infidel American television network, CNN. (Turns to Arnett). How are you doing, old friend?
Peter Arnett: I’m doing great. I want to extend my gratitude to Uncle Saddam for giving me a lovely guest room at his secret headquarters last night. It was nice to sleep under the protection of four feet of concrete, guarding me from the bombs of the pig-dog American military.
AF: I will personally ensure that President Hussein hears of your gratitude. Now, tell me, what is your view of the war? How do you feel both sides are doing?
PA: Well, it’s obvious that the evil Americans are losing, grasping for straws if you will. They’re taking pot shots at innocent civilians and I am sure that they are going to unleash chemical and biological weapons onto the brave Iraqi fighters, then blame it on your valiant army, saying that it was your defenseless innocent Fedayeen who unleashed these horrible weapons on your benevolent people, much like they continue to spread the laughable lies that the Iraqi army killed hundreds of thousands of Kurds and Shiites in the 1980s in similar ways. The stupid Americans are losing the war and it is an undeniable fact that the great Islamic republic of Iraq will triumph under the guidance of Allah and Mohammed, praise be unto his name, Allah’s prophet.
AF: You have always been a welcome and honored guest of Iraq. What would you say that is the underlying reason for your closeness to the Iraqi people?
PA: Well, as you know, I am from New Zealand, which is a country of sheep. When I come to Iraq, I am reminded of home by all the sheep I see. I share a great love of sheep with the Iraqi people. In fact, like most Iraqi men, I lost my virginity to a sheep.
AF: Yes, there is nothing quite as wonderful as a sheep. Have you ever cornered one at a cliff?
PA: Of course. That’s a favorite sheep-related sexual technique of mine, as they push back harder.
AF: What do you think of the esteemed President Saddam Hussein?
PA: Saddam is one of the kindest, most loving people I have ever met. He’s just so cuddly–you want to wrap your arms around him and hug him for being a great leader, doing so much for his people. It is truly evil that the Americans and the British want him dead, but their piddly armies will not succeed. Only the great Arab armies of Iraq will succeed and the coalition is foolish to think that they can destroy Saddam.
End of partial transcript
That’s all of the transcript that I could find. Oh well, the tabloids can have him. Maybe they’ll bring back Arthur Kent now.