Funniness Negates Wrongness
Friday, February 10, 2006
The Newest Dr. Seuss Book...
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Wayne Gretzky, You Fucking Retard
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne...You still owe me $11.95 CDN for those horrid wings I consumed that cool August night at your eatery in Toronto.

But that's not my gripe now. It seems that you're starting to do a good job of tearing apart all that you did for hockey. And you're a bastard for it. Coming off a year when there was no hockey, the NHL needs every positive little thing that it can get to really get fans into the game again. But no, you fucked it up. Your wife, Janet Jones, and your assistant over there at Phoenix, Rick Tocchet, seem to have gotten themselves involved in an illegal gambling ring, along with six so-far-unnamed NHL players.

"They weren't gambling on hockey," was your refrain to the press yesterday. So? They were still gambling on pro sports while they themselves were involved in pro sports. Seems like a conflict of interest there. What happens when someone comes up a little short and owes the bookies a couple hundred thousand? It'd be awfully tempting to throw a game here or there.

Where the fuck is your integrity? Especially when you implied you were unaware of it? But according to the New Jersey Star Ledger, citing law enforcement sources, you did know about it. And you didn't--apparently--see a problem with it.


Rick Mercer once did a "Talking to Americans" segment on This Hour Has 22 Minutes about how 80 percent of Canadians are retarded. I'm beginning to believe two things: 1) this is true and 2) you're in that 80 percent.

So what's going to happen now? Are you going to step down from your position as head coach of the Coyotes? Sell your share in the team? Become a waiter at Ruby Tuesday?

Please, God, let Wayne become a waiter at Ruby Tuesday. It's been my dream for the Great One to offer me my choice of salad dressings for a long time now.

Wayne, do us all a favor (or favour, if you prefer) and step down. Make things right for hockey. Ensure that the Coyotes keep losing. Let them move back to Winnipeg.

I can only hope that this is all somehow related back to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, because I want his job. And the first thing I'm doing when I become Commissioner is un-retiring Gretzky's #99 and moving the Coyotes back to Manitoba, where they belong.

Oh, and Wayne, I'm planning on being in Toronto next month...I'll be by your restaurant to pick up my money. Make it an even $12 and just leave six toonies with the hostess.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Fuckin' Mutt

The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked its entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi's using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

A British gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the bloody window.