As many of you know, I am an avid hockey fan. To me, there is no greater embodiment of the purity of sport and athleticism. The muted scraping of skates on ice, the sharp ding of a puck hitting the cross bar, the blood flowing down players' faces--this is what hockey is. And I love it. That is why today I am declaring myself a candidate for Commissioner of the NHL upon Gary Bettman's retirement, ouster or death, whenever in the future that may happen. I promise, as NHL Commissioner, I will move forward towards making hockey and even more exciting and wide-appealing sport.
Some of my proposed changes are as follows:
-Change the name of the NHL to the NAUSCHLO. Currently, the term NHL does not signify the Canadian and US international flavor (or flavour) of the league, therefore I propose that instead of the National Hockey League, the name should be changed to the North American United States-Canada Hockey League Organization.
-A shot-clock, based on the NBA's shot-clock, will be implemented. Once the puck leaves the neutral zone on an attack, the attacking team will have a certain number of seconds (to be determined) to take a shot. This will prevent slower stretches of the current game where the attacking team just passes the puck back and forth without any real action happening.
-The position of goalie will rotate between players between games. This will ensure that every player plays goalie at least three times per season.
-Cross-checking and boarding will be legalized. (Thanks, 'Shank, for the suggestion)
-Visors will be outlawed. This is just to please Don Cherry, who famously said during Hockey Night in Canada
on 1/24/2004 that "most of the guys that wear them are Europeans or French guys."
-I will allow the introduction of the "Darth Maul Stick", a hockey stick with blades at both ends.
-Ties will be decided not be sudden-death OT and a shootout, but instead by a two-minute period in which 100 pucks will be dropped onto the ice and the teams must try to score as much as possible during this period.
I think that these changes will make hockey an even better sport and will ensure that it stays popular throughout the new century.