Funniness Negates Wrongness
Friday, January 27, 2006
Gary Bettman, Watch Out!
As many of you know, I am an avid hockey fan. To me, there is no greater embodiment of the purity of sport and athleticism. The muted scraping of skates on ice, the sharp ding of a puck hitting the cross bar, the blood flowing down players' faces--this is what hockey is. And I love it. That is why today I am declaring myself a candidate for Commissioner of the NHL upon Gary Bettman's retirement, ouster or death, whenever in the future that may happen. I promise, as NHL Commissioner, I will move forward towards making hockey and even more exciting and wide-appealing sport.

Some of my proposed changes are as follows:

-Change the name of the NHL to the NAUSCHLO. Currently, the term NHL does not signify the Canadian and US international flavor (or flavour) of the league, therefore I propose that instead of the National Hockey League, the name should be changed to the North American United States-Canada Hockey League Organization.

-A shot-clock, based on the NBA's shot-clock, will be implemented. Once the puck leaves the neutral zone on an attack, the attacking team will have a certain number of seconds (to be determined) to take a shot. This will prevent slower stretches of the current game where the attacking team just passes the puck back and forth without any real action happening.

-The position of goalie will rotate between players between games. This will ensure that every player plays goalie at least three times per season.

-Cross-checking and boarding will be legalized. (Thanks, 'Shank, for the suggestion)

-Visors will be outlawed. This is just to please Don Cherry, who famously said during Hockey Night in Canada on 1/24/2004 that "most of the guys that wear them are Europeans or French guys."

-I will allow the introduction of the "Darth Maul Stick", a hockey stick with blades at both ends.

-Ties will be decided not be sudden-death OT and a shootout, but instead by a two-minute period in which 100 pucks will be dropped onto the ice and the teams must try to score as much as possible during this period.

I think that these changes will make hockey an even better sport and will ensure that it stays popular throughout the new century.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Madonna, you look so very horrid...and your teeth are starting to look so very British...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
No Lame Ass Joke This Week......

....this is SOOOOO much better.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Makin' Baby Pandas...
Bet you didn't know that pandas did it in the reverse cowgirl position?