Funniness Negates Wrongness
Saturday, July 02, 2005
The Man Rules
1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.

11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.

Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.

Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.

38.) A Man is never allowed to talk to his mother on the phone while at a bar. This is especially true if said conversation is preventing him from taking his shot during a game of pool.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Fear and Racism in Gulfport
We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the
drugs began to take hold. Actually, that's not entirely true. In
fact, that's not true at all...those are the ramblings of crazy
ol'--and quite dead--Hunter S. Thompson.

Let me start over.

We were somewhere near Biloxi, on the edge of the Gulf, when I started
to wish there were drugs that would take hold.

That's better.

How did I get into this predicament? Fucking RV transmission. That's how.

We'd traveled to the Sunshine State--Florida. Hot sun and hotter
women. Topped off with a two-night cruise to the Bahamas.

On the way back, down the venerable Interstate 10, we started to run
into problems. The RV's transmission began complaining. We topped
off the transmission fluid, but it didn't fix the problem--only bought
us time. A second topping off didn't help. So we were stuck.
Gulfport, Mississippi. Or Mississip, as the old-time river captains
call it. Personally, I call it Hell. I needed to get back to Texas.
Back to that Lone Star State--she of towering pine trees, towering
skyscrapers and just-as-towering egos.

My options were limited. Can't rent any type of conveyance on
Sundays, though rather that's because of ignorance or Puritanical Blue
Laws, I don't know. And I didn't want to find out.

My only option was Greyhound. And not the kind that you find at race tracks.

I would never choose to ride a bus if a plane or private car would do,
but this time the choice was made for me. I've always suspected that
people who'd ride a bus somewhere would be at about the same social
caste as those that live in mobile homes. Upon climbing aboard that
bus, my suspicions were confirmed.


I was the only white on the bus. Meaning that I was the only one on
the bus who spoke English. And the only one not drinking orange soda.
The only good part about being the only white on the bus was that I got
the front all to myself.

Five hours later and I was still in Mississippi, heading north towards
the metropolis--and I use the term rather loosely--of Jackson, where
I'd change to a different coach heading west towards Dallas. I
decided to SMS Rifleman. Our SMS conversations are inevitably wrong.
I wasn't disappointed.

Longer Shank: Woo Hoo! I'm gonna be so damn bored.
Rifleman: Maybe there will be crazy people on the bus.
Longer Shank: That would be great!
Rifleman: Maybe a toothless negress will give you a handjob
Longer Shank: Yay!
Longer Shank: I just smoked a full one in less than a minute, i'm
still buzzed, and the only cracker on this bus
Longer Shank: Oh, sorry, the driver is white, does he count?
Rifleman: No, because he's doing a negro job
Longer Shank:Lol...Damn, i'm all alone
Rifleman: Aww...hugs
Longer Shank:Heh, only 13 more hours...
Rifleman:Sorry...i'd be dying
Rifleman: Great wat to end vacation
Longer Shank: No shit...
Thursday, June 30, 2005
A Very British Smile...
Looks like the alien invaders in War of the Worlds were cavity creeps:

and Dakota Fanning's mouth just happened to be the locale of Toothopolis
Who Art Thou Gonna Call?

"Don't cross the beams!"
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Lame Pickup Lines
-Are you a parking ticket? Because, you got fine written all over you.
-You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
-Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
-Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You dropped your nametag!".
-What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
-Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.
-Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day long.
-Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
-There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
-Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
-Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.
-Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
-I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
-Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
-I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!
-If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
-You must be from outer space 'cause I can see the stars in your eyes.
-If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
-Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
-Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
-Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say...
"I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
-Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
-When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on
the I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
-You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
-Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!
-Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?
-Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Weapon of Choice?
Quite Disturbing
This pic really bothers me...

Sunday, June 26, 2005