Funniness Negates Wrongness
Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Greatest Album of All Time?

I was recently rummaging through my record collection and--wait, actually it's a CD collection, no one has records anymore--I pulled out an old gem that took me back to 8th grade. I hadn't heard this album in years, so I put it into Aiwa and hit PLAY. After listening to it, I decided that this was, without a doubt in my mind, The Greatest Record of All Time.

You might be asking yourself, what album was it? The Beatlesí Abbey Road or Revolver? Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon? The Clash's London Calling? Nope, none of the above. In my opinion, the greatest album of all time is 2 Live Crew's seminal rap album As Nasty As They Wanna Be. As Nasty As They Wanna Be is not only a paragon of deep, heartfelt songwriting but also a critical and farcical examination of modern society and misogyny. Let's take a close look at some of the more important tracks on this most important of albums.

As Nasty As They Wanna Be's first track is Me So Horny, and like many of the album's tunes, is a love song. This track starts off with a sample of dialog from Stanley Kubrick's classic Full Metal Jacket in which a young Vietnamese girl attempts to explain to an American GI that she do everything he wants in order to secure his love. This is echoed in the song's refrain, in which the same Vietnamese girl explains to the GI that she will love him for a long time--a most touching and heartfelt sentiment. This right here is a testament to love's strength in the face of adversity which, in this case, is the horror of the Vietnam War. The actual song starts off with the singer lamenting sitting alone at home with no one to love--a universal theme in modern American culture. Who amongst us doesn't dread a Saturday night alone in front of the television watching old reruns? The singer goes on to proclaim his love for an unknown woman whose parents disapprove of their relationship, as evidenced by the line "I know he'll [her dad] be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted, won't your momma be so mad if she knew I got that ass?" This is obviously a classical literary reference to Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, perhaps the greatest love story ever written. The final verse describes the consummation of the subjects' relationship and contains what is perhaps the most tender and loving line ever written in modern music: "Put your lips on my dick and suck my asshole, too". The songwriter's intent is clearly to both proclaim and prove his love for someone very close and dear to his heart. All in all, Me So Horny is a great track that does an excellent job of setting the mood for the rest of the album.

Another important track on the album is its third, Dick Almighty. This song serves as an allegory on the dominance of the male gender in modern American society. What better way to assert male dominance than by proclaim oneself to have large genitals? This behavior is a natural one, mirrored by most mammals in the animal kingdom. For instance, it is usually the lion with the largest penis that is the alpha male in a particular pack. In this track, a critical examination is made by the songwriters of the somewhat misguided value that society places on genital size and how this can sometimes blind persons to the true worth of a male individual. The lines "That dick has got a spell on you, once it gets inside, you'll act the fool. That dick will make a bitch act cute, suck my dick, bitch, and make it puke." clearly lament the fact that power is often equated with penile size, though to the intelligentsia, of which the 2 Live Crew are clearly members, this is a notion to be laughed at. The songwriter goes on to explore the idea that there are many in society who believe that only men should be awarded power and prestige and that there are women who'd go to any length to attain this genital-related power, as evidenced by "Jump up on it, grab it like you want it. If you could wear a dick, bitch, you would flaunt it." This is powerful societal commentary and a critical look at the interpersonal power struggles plaguing America, and the world at large, today. The songwriter is trying to make a point about male dominance and importance, especially as the chief caregiver and breadwinner in many post-War nuclear families. As chief provider in many families, it is up to the male to provide for his family, especially his wife, as explained in the line "That dick, is a greedy bitch's dinner"--meaning it's the male who provides shelter and food for his wife--"I let a bitch feed before going up in her"--meaning that it's important that the male takes care of the survival needs of the woman in the relationship before he himself is sated.

The next track is a change of pace, acting as a fun foil to the serious tone of the rest of the album. C'mon Babe is a playful look at modern American sexual relationships. While seemingly lighthearted, it is a critical look at the pitfalls of an empty, one-night-stand fling that is sought and participated in for purely sexual, rather than love, reasons. This song contains probably some of the best-written lyrics on the entire album, such as " When the party`s over, we can get together, Go to my house and fuck forever, And do whatever comes to mind, Let me stick my dick in your behind ", which beautifully illustrate the lust-based sexual relationship that the singer laments. The writer goes on to describe the folly of pretending that such a one-night-stand is more than it actually is--that there is love involved just because there are the trappings of love, as seen in the line " You can pour me a glass of Dom Perignon
Then suck my dick until I cum, Soft is your body, tender is your kiss
". After all, what is more romantic than a glass of fine champagne? The writer then follows up with a promise that if this were true love, then he would give up his playboy lifestyle of chasing women and that there will be " No more clubs and sex on the run ", leaving the listener hope that there will be a moral resolution and a change in attitude on the part of the subject.

The final track I want to examine is a cleverly-written metaphor on the rampant "sexification" of America, in which society is becoming more and more focused on sex. This is dangerous, in the opinion of the songwriter, as it is removing the "love" aspect of sex and focusing more on the instant physical gratification context of the act of intercourse. The songwriter cleverly calls his vision of modern American media and society The Fuck Shop--a title that offers a clear thesis that today's overwhelming sexual symbolism and references in the media have denigrated the act of making love to the more sinister and loveless "fucking"--i.e. having sexual intercourse for the sake of physical rather than emotional gratification. The first line of this song is designed to show the listener the dangers of this "sexualization of America" by stating that soon, in our collective psyche, there will be no alternative to having sex for physical gratification as we, society, will have learned to dispense with the emotional aspect as modern media has inclined us to do: "There's only one place where we can go"--meaning "no alternative"--"where the price is right just to fuck a ho"--a clever reference to America's TV--and, therefore, media--obsessed population, via the classic game show The Price Is Right. Are we headed inevitably towards a breakdown of "proper" society? The writer uses flying symbolism to evidence this point: "Spread your wings for the flight, let me fill you up with something milky and white". This echoes the use of the bird as symbolism in classical literature. For instance, in Kate Chopin's classic Awakening, in which the author uses imagery of a caged bird to symbolize how the main character, Edna, feels trapped as a wife and mother in New Orleans' Creole society with no outlet for her creativity. Likewise, we as a society face a future of being "caged" into a world where love has no meaning. This usage of symbolism is a testament to the learned and intelligent nature of the songwriter and of this great band.

All in all, As Nasty As They Wanna Be is a perfect requiem on today's society. The 2 Live Crew clearly states their position as one of lamentation for simpler times when love meant something more than raw animal attraction and media wasn't corrupted by the lowest common denominator, but at the same time, offer hope for the future. While this album is 14 years old already, like many of the great records, it is a timeless classic. Many of the concerns voiced by the songwriters are still valid today and we can only hope that in another twenty years, As Nasty As They Wanna Be will still stand tall amongst the Pantheon of great musical achievements of our time while the societal issues will have dissipated into mere memories.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003

We've been getting a lot of weird email on the contact page lately, mostly hate mail. (See yesterday's post for example). However, this is the best email we've gotten in a while. I can't quite figure out how this person made the connection that SomethingSoWrong.Com would be the perfect place to link to a site about aliens and children. Weird. At any rate, when I first saw the URL, I thought it was going to be a aite about child molesting wetbacks, but instead it was a site about kids drawing pictures of aliens that they claim to have seen or something like that. Which I guess is wrong in its own special sort of way. Anyhow, I did post the link here, so I've fulfilled my duty, I guess. Make sure you take a look at the guy on the Thought Screen Helmet Picture Page (maybe they can get Bill Cosby and Mortimer to draw some aliens with kids). Also, I like the page that outlines the aliens plans for humanity. I'm glad the aliens have shared their intricate plans with us before invading--to me this means that they have about as much intelligence as the average Bond movie villain.

"Do you expect me to talk, Overlord Kyy'sshigah?"
"Hisdd N'tzoth sy'd'dya maakto'og Byondyth." *

     *"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

I'm under the impression that the maintainers of this site, and its sister site are firm believers the the movie Independence Day is documentary rather than a fun-filled afternoon at the cinema.

Subject: FROM CONTACT PAGE: new website about alien abductions and the thought screen helmet

User: Michael Menkin
Please set a link to which is the sister site to

The new website has evidence that the thought screen helmet works and information about alien abductions and drawings of aliens made by children abducted by them.


Michael Menkin

But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong and there really is an invading army awaiting to take over Earth from space. Oh well...I've lived a full life. I mean, I could make one of those though screen helmets, but I really don't care if the aliens can read my mind. All they're going to see is mental wank material and my scathing inner monoloque. Not very exciting at all...
Monday, July 28, 2003
More Hate Mail

Well, looks like there's another hater amongst us. Look, I don't care if you hate us. In fact, we hate you. I do, however, think it's sad that you have to come to our site to find something to hate, and on top of that, you say you visit repeatedly so you can HATE us more. Why hate us when there are so many other things in the world to hate, such as French people and Dharma & Greg? More importantly, what does sending an email describing your hatred of us accomplish? Nothing. In fact, it makes us more determined in our mission. We're happy to offend you and hate mail lets us know that we're doing a proper job. What? Did you think we were going to get your message and go "You know, this anonymous coward is right, our web site does suck. And it's full of vitriol. You know, let's change it. Let's make it a happy, fun-filled, family-oriented site." Fuck you. We like it like this and we're not going to change it. Keep coming back, soaking in your hatred. Maybe you'll get an ulcer and have to have stomach surgery. We would like that. Especially the part where you cough up blood and curse our names, calling out in agony about how you're going to eat our firstborn children. Yum. Meanwhile, we'll just sit back and laugh and laugh at you and your pathetic life that is so directionless you have to write to a web site that you chose to visit, as you weren't forced to come, and tell them how much you hate it. If you don't like it, then don't come back. Your life must be pretty goddamn lame if you have to sit around stewing in your own hate. I bet you never get laid, do you? I know I wouldn't sleep with someone that said the same thing over and over...I'd just slap the shit out of them. And why do you hate Democrats? They are so lovable and cuddly and offer plenty of fodder to laugh at. At any rate, thank you for your kind letter.

I hate you. Your site sucks. I read it only so I can HATE you more. I couldn't hate you more if you were Democrats. I HATE you.

I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.I HATE you.

Wait...I did spell Hate correctly, didn't I?

Yes, you did spell Hate correctly, moron.
Friendster Ė Whatís Up With That?

So Friendster has got to be the stupidest idea for a website since and possibly this site. So we list our favorite books, movies and bands along with some stupid pictures of ourselves from 5 years ago before we ate all that cheesecake for breakfast those summers we worked at that bakery. OK, so maybe thatís just me. But why do we do this? So that our friends can write testimonials and tell us how great we are. Is our self esteem that low? Probably.

And perhaps maybe weíll meet some new people like some guy that works for Nintendo that looks like a mix between Dave Matthews and Jeremy Piven. Whatís wrong with meeting new people? But I digress. Donít our friends already know what our favorite movies and bands are? Donít our friends know what we looked like before the cheesecake made us fat? And arenít they our friends even though we ate all that cheesecake and maybe now we smoke and we wouldnít be able to run two blocks without having to stop for a breather and we probably drink a lot more these days. OK, so maybe your situation is a little bit different than mine, but you see my point.

Maybe itís our competitive spirit. I found myself asking a friendster of mine the other day how many friends she had and yes, it was because I wanted to know if I had more than her. Of course, then I see friends of mine that have like 45 friends. I thought that was a lot, until I looked at their lists of friends. One of my friends has Audrey Hepburn as his friendster. Sheís dead and besides, if anyone should be her friend, itís me. Another one of my friends has the Swiffer Sweeper as her friend. An inanimate object that lists The Dust Brothers as its favorite music, ludicrous. I am anti-fake friendsters.

All I have done here is gripe about stupid Friendster is, but believe me, I love it. I donít know why, I just do. I love seeing those emails that someone has added me as their friend or that I have a new testimonial. Such a stupid site, but I seem to have an affection for stupid sites, seeing as how I write for this one and spend at least an hour a week on Friendster Ė Shit yeah, its cool.