Funniness Negates Wrongness
Friday, June 20, 2003
Recently, Spike Lee obtained a court injunction to temporarily halt Viacom from renaming TNN to Spike TV, a name chosen to highlight the network's appeal to men who crave crappy action movies. Black director Lee, playing on his innate sense of entitlement, says that viewers may mistake the name Spike TV to imply a relationship between himself and the network. Never mind the fact that approximately 97% of TNN/Spike TV's target white male audience has never heard of Spike Lee and, while the network does run crappy movies, would never stoop so low as to run one of Lee's crapfest films. Upon hearing of the success of his injunction, which may end up costing Viacom--run by white, elitist old man Sumner Redstone--over $100 million dollars, Lee was happy to hear of sticking it to "the man". This has inspired him to file other lawsuits. A brief look at these suits:

1 - Suing the estate of late British comedian Spike Milligan. Suit states that audiences may confuse Lee with this venerable comic, even thought Milligan was white, funny and well-liked, qualities not displayed by Lee.

2 - Suing Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Jewish-owned producer of the Tom & Jerry series of cartoons, which feature a dog named Spike. Lee says that this is too close the phrase "A dawg named Spike", which he was known as during a brief period in the early 90s while hanging out with obscure rappers Nice and Smooth and Brand Nubian. Also says it's an opportunity to bring down the white, Jewish establishment.

3 - Suing the National Football League, the NFL Players Association and several individual players. Lee says that by "spiking" the ball after making a touchdown, players are sullying his name and that viewers may interpret this as a symbolic "dissing" of Lee and his work.

4 - Suing LULAC (League of United Latin American Citizens) because Lee believes the term "spic" is too close to the name "Spike" and people might associate this lazy, minority directory with an over-inflated sense of entitlement with lazy, minority Mexicans with over-inflated senses of entitlement.

5 - Suing director Robert Rodriguez, creator of Spy Kids because "you can't say Spy Kids without saying 'Spike'". Also because Rodriguez is a minority director who makes popular, profitable, good movies, thus stealing the 'minority director' limelight from Lee, who makes unpopular, unprofitable, crappy movies.

6 - Hiring Howard University physicists to build a time machine so that Lee may travel back in time to 1869, where he will seek an injuction against the Central Pacific Railroad in order to prevent it from driving a Golden Spike into the rails at Promontory Point, Utah, marking the completion of the Transcontinental Railroad. Lee says that Golden Spike represents the back-breaking, sometimes lethal, discouraging and psychologically damaging work put into the railroads by both black slaves and the freedmen, even though most of the work was done by the Chinaman, who are trying to get directory Ang Lee to sue on their behalf.

Interestingly, these lawsuits have brought a couple directed towards Lee himself.

First off, the planet Mars is suing Lee for naming his character in Nike commercials Mars Blackman, saying that his character, that of an annoying black with a over-inflated sense of entitlement, makes the real Mars look bad, as it is a planet that pretty much sits around and does nothing but occasionally eating a NASA probe.

Secondly, a group of 11 million American blacks have filed a class-action suit against Lee because, in the words of their spokes-brother Cleavon Washington, "that foo nigger makin' us hard-working, appreciative niggers look tha' foo."
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Happy Juneteenth!

To begin with, a special note: I will be refering to black people in this write-up as "black people" or "blacks", unlike my previous race-related blog, in which I referred to them as "brown people". After writing that blog, I was informed that the term "brown people" may be construed to mean "Filipino" and...uh...well...Filipino. On with the blog...

I'm sure you're all out today celebrating your emancipation from slavery (if you're black) or your loss of slaves to do your bidding around the house (if you're white). Today, we're going to answer some of your questions about Juneteenth, Black People and Slavery.

Q: What is Juneteenth?

A: Juneteenth celebrates the freeing of Texas slaves in 1865.

Q: Why is it called Juneteenth?

A: Because it's a slurring of the words "June" and "Nineteenth". It's called this because "Emancipation Day" is too hard to pronounce.

Q: How does one celebrate Juneteenth?

A: Usually, one puts on their Sunday finery: Colorful dresses, an equally colorful but mismatched hat, a suit and your trusty 9mm. Then, you go out to the local park and eat fried chicken, cornbread, fried scrimps and drink 'Red. One might also have a few "Fotees", as a 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor is colloquially known. You might take time to swim in the swimming pool at the park, which doesn't have a working filtration system and is only filled this one day a year with fresh water from the fire department. Towards the end of the day, one usually gets in a drunken argument and ends up shooting someone or getting shot themselves. No Juneteenth celebration would be complete without a trip to the ER or morgue!

Q: What was slavery?

A: Slavery, in the American sense, was the taking of native Africans from the poor, disease-ridden continent of Africa and bringing them to the prosperous, mostly-disease-free continent of America. In return for their passage, the blacks were forced to work on cotton plantations, sugar plantations and as sexual playthings for wealthy landowners. And Thomas Jefferson. If it weren't for slavery, many of today's blacks would still be running around with Cornelius and Dr. Zaius on Monkey Island.

Q: What was the Emancipation Proclamation?

A: This was an announcement made my President Abraham Lincoln in which he stated that he felt that the slaves had finished paying for their passage to the New World and that they were free to go. Many became Exodusters--freedmen who made an Exodus to the dusty lands of Utah, were they ran into the Mormons, who converted many of them to Mormonism. Black Mormons are allowed to practice polygamy--or have as many bitches as they like. They are also why there is caffeine-free Big Red.

Q: Speaking of slaves, why do blacks flock to KFC, whose mascot is an antebellum southern white gentleman who is identical to the stereotypical image of a slave owner?

A: Who knows?

Q: How come a lot of black people have the last names Jackson, Washington and Johnson?

A: In an effort to appear more white, they took the last names of presidents--some of the whitest people to ever grace the Earth. Interestingly, you don't meet a lot of blacks with the name "Lincoln". Unless you're watching The Mod Squad, where I'm assuming Linc's name is short for Lincoln. Though, interestingly, a lot of black people drive Lincolns. Weird...

So, you see, Juneteenth is a day of celebration, remembrance and gun play. So order up a bucket of fried chicken, grab a case of Big Red and polish up that gat and get out there and celebrate!

Wednesday, June 18, 2003
I got another one of these Nigerian emails, which I've posted below. This one strikes me as a bit bolder than the previous one, as it comes right out and asks for my banking information, instead of trying to build a "relationship first". My notes are in bold.

From: Dr. Uba Jega. Wasn't Jega that game with the wooden blocks? And isn't Uba one a brass or woodwind instrument?

Satellite Tel: 874-762-918-985. I didn't try to call these. Everyone knows that the Nigerians don't have a space program, and thus no satellites
Satellite Fax: 874-762-918-986.

Attn:President/C.e.o. I wish!

Strictly Confidential & Urgent Business Proposal.

Re: Transfer Of Usd $21,500.000{Twenty - One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Us Dollars Only.

I am a member of the Federal Government Of Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C). You can visit their crappy website here
Sometime ago, a contract was awarded to a foreign firm in the Petroleum Trust Fund (P.T.F.) BY MY COMMITTEE. No need to yell!

This contract was over invoiced to the tune of us$ 21.5Million Dollars. This was done delibrately. The over - invoicing was a deal by my committee to benefit from the project. Is this NNPC or Enron?

We not want to transfer this money, which is in a suspense account with the P.T.F. into any oversea account, which we expect you to provide for us. What's going on with this sentence? "We not"? "Suspense account"? You can't even write English and you expect me to provide an account for you? Are you out of your mind?


60 % of the money would be for my partners and I.
30 % of the money would be yours, for providing us with logistics, which, would include a safe bank account, where we shall facilitate funds transfer into, as soon as documentations are concluded over here.
10 % of the money has been mapped out from the total sum to cover any expenses that might be incurred during the course of the transaction, (both local and international expenses).

If interested in assisting us, please contact me via my secured email address, as soon as possible ( or my secured satellite tel/fax number, specially procured for this project.
Caramail - Official Email Provider to Africans Trying To Rip Off Americans. My previous email from a John Bockarie, outlined in an earlier blog, also used this email provider, which is a division of Lycos.
It may interest you to know that a similar transaction was carried out with one Mr. Patrice Miller, President of Crane International Trading Corp., I looked on the web and called 411 for NYC and couldn'tm find a trace of this company of 153 East 57th St., 28th floor, N.Y.10022, Telephone: 212-308-7788 This number was disconnected when I tried to call and Telex: 6731689. The deal was concluded and all covering documents, forwarded to Mr. Miller to authenticate the claims. Once the funds were transferred, Mr. Miller presented to his bank, all the legal documents and remitted the whole funds to another bank account, and disappeared completely.. My colleagues and I were shattered, since such opportunities are not easy to come by. Disappeared completely? Maybe because he never existed. Besides, what kind of name is Patrice? A gay European name, that's what. Fag.

Please, if you are interested in assisting us carry out to the fullest capacity, this transaction, we would require the following information from you which would enable us make formal application to the various ministries / parastatals, WTF is a parastatal? Some kind of worm or insect that lives off of your body? Or is it related to a parasail? I think it's Swahili for nonsense for the release and onward transfer of the money to your account.

1.Your Full Name, Company's Name, Address, Telephone and Fax Numbers.
2.Your Bank Name, Address. Telephone and Fax Number.
3.Your Bank Account Number and Beneficiary Name - You must be the signatory.

Please, note that we have strong and reliable connections at the Central Bank Of Nigeria and other Government Parastatals, hence assistance in this regards, would not be a problem.
At the conclusion of this transaction, we shall use same contacts to withdraw all documents used in the course of this, to avoid any trace whatsoever that may ever arise, to you or to us, now and in the nearest possible future.

It might also interest you to know that we are mere civil servants who do not want to miss this opportunity, hence, we want this money transferred out, as soon as possible, before the newly democratically elected government ever think of making enquiries as regards the various activities of the past military government.
More poorly-constructed sentences...blah...blah...blah

Kindly contact me as soon as possible, whether or not you are interested in this deal, so that whereby you are not interested, it would give us more room to scout for another partner. But if you are interested, kindly contact me via above email, telephone or fax, so that we can swing into action, as time is not on our part.

I wait in anticipation of your fullest co-operation.
Yours Faithfully,

Dr. Uba Jega. Or maybe he's a Jedi Knight

One has to think that there is billions of dollars floating around sub-Saharan Africa, judging by the numbers of emails I get begging me to help get it out of various countries. I seriously doubt there's that much money. Have you seen how these people live? They let flies gather around them. Ugh. And have you ever noticed how close "Nigeria" is to "Nigger-ia"? They need to change the name of their country--it's not helping their case.

So, should I write back?