Archive for April, 2008
Things I’ve Either Said or Have Had Said to Me While Either Having Sex or Dining at a Seafood Restaurant
“I don’t want crabs.”
“It smells fishy.”
“You gotta suck the head.”
“I love the taste of hot chowder.”
“I could eat this all day.”
“I don’t like the feeling of it sliding down my throat.”
“I see why they call it ‘jumbo’.”
“I found a bone.”
“Ugh…that makes me gag.”
“Are you finished yet?”
“Can I get a towelette to clean up with?”
“You gotta peel back the skin to get to the good part.”
“This one is pretty veiny.”
“How does it taste?”
“This is way too bloody.”1
“That might mess up my insides.”
“Yuck…that’s too much cheese.”
“Should I just use my hands?”
“Mmm…that was good!”
“Spoon?”
“How much do I owe?”
1This might’ve been at a steakhouse. I can’t remember.
So, I ran SSW through the Blog Cuss-O-Meter and got the following disappointing results:
What the fuck? I mean, I certainly don’t cuss like a motherfucking sailor, but, shit, I assumed that I’d have a much higher percentage of goddamn profanity.
According to their website, “Around 6.4% of the pages on your website contain cussing.This is 29% LESS than other websites who took this test.”
I had a feeling that this cocksucking Blog Cuss-O-Meter might be fucking broken and returning shitty results, but after doing a simple fucking analysis, it might be true that I’m just not a writer that uses a lot of profane words. I Googled several fucking profanities, limiting my results to just SSW to see how many goddamn pages featured each word. This is what I fucking found out:
| Potentially Offensive Word | Pages with said word |
| Fuck | 152 |
| Shit | 157 |
| Ass | 116 |
| Tits/Titties | 13 |
| Pussy | 26 |
| Dick | 58 |
| Cunt | 21 |
| Motherfucker | 3 |
| Cock | 21 |
| Cocksucker | 2 |
So, I guess I need to cuss more. Bitches.
I had a David Cross moment1 yesterday.
I’d gone on a long drive, as I tend to do some weekends in order to take photos for my photoblog, LeftyRodriguez.Com, and found myself in the town of Bonham, Texas, which is northeast of Dallas close to the border with Oklahoma (or Texas’ Canada). I felt a bit peckish, but the fast food restaurants I could find were Subway (ugh…) and McDonald’s. Throwing caution to the wind, I settled on McDonald’s. I parked the RiflemanMobile III and went inside, electing to order a couple of Spicy McChickens and an order of fries (yum…sodium).
After getting my order, I went to the condiment bar and was gathering some salt and pepper and ketchup from those annoyingly-slow pressurized ketchup dispensers when this big, burly, kind of toothless redneck guy pushed himself past me to get some salt and said “Watch out, faggot”.
“Watch out, faggot”? Huh? I don’t look particularly faggot-ish (though I guess I might be kind of bear-ish), but, really, I’m not gay. Sorry. Or maybe I’m so gay that I’ve come full circle and like women. Or something.
Maybe it was the sort-of plaid shorts I was wearing.
1 “Here’s a little what it was like for me growing up in Atlanta… They had this ill-fated thing called ‘Light Up Atlanta’. So, I’m standing in line… I tap the guy in front of me and say, “Uh, excuse me, can you tell me if this is the line for the beer, or the line to get the tickets to get the beer.’ [long pause] ‘I dunno, faggot.’ I don’t know, faggot? What? What did I do? Was it because I was sucking his cock at the time?”
Kind of misfortunate, but not really…
(forwarded by my friend Linz)
Nothing really wrong here…just thought this was kind of cool pic of a space shuttle being maneuvered to be mated with its external tank and solid rocket boosters at the massive Vehicle Assembly Building at KSC in Florida.
You’d easily be out a few billion dollars if you dropped that.
I got these two whiney emails from some anonymous person just a few minutes ago:
This picture needs to be removed.. I know these people and DO NOT appreciate them being on here.. thank you..
http://www.somethingsowrong.com/moblog/comments.asp?action=view&imageID=856
And
This image:
http://www.somethingsowrong.com/moblog/images/archive/79543554510.jpg
on page 7 needs to be removed.. those are close friends and do not appreciate that being posted online without their express permission..
Who cares what you fucking appreciate? I don’t appreciate some lame person hiding behind anonymity telling me to do something that I’m just not going to do. Especially when they just say that they know someone without actually identifying the people in the image or themselves. Hey, guess what, I know these people too…If they didn’t want to be in a picture, they shouldn’t have been in public.
Go die in a fire, retard.