SomethingSoWrong

As many of you know, I am an avid hockey fan. To me, there is no greater embodiment of the purity of sport and athleticism. The muted scraping of skates on ice, the sharp ding of a puck hitting the cross bar, the blood flowing down players’ faces–this is what hockey is. And I love it. That is why today I am declaring myself a candidate for Commissioner of the NHL upon Gary Bettman’s retirement, ouster or death, whenever in the future that may happen. I promise, as NHL Commissioner, I will move forward towards making hockey and even more exciting and wide-appealing sport.

Some of my proposed changes are as follows:

-Change the name of the NHL to the NAUSCHLO. Currently, the term NHL does not signify the Canadian and US international flavor (or flavour) of the league, therefore I propose that instead of the National Hockey League, the name should be changed to the North American United States-Canada Hockey League Organization.

-A shot-clock, based on the NBA’s shot-clock, will be implemented. Once the puck leaves the neutral zone on an attack, the attacking team will have a certain number of seconds (to be determined) to take a shot. This will prevent slower stretches of the current game where the attacking team just passes the puck back and forth without any real action happening.

-The position of goalie will rotate between players between games. This will ensure that every player plays goalie at least three times per season.

-Cross-checking and boarding will be legalized. (Thanks, ‘Shank, for the suggestion)

-Visors will be outlawed. This is just to please Don Cherry, who famously said during Hockey Night in Canada on 1/24/2004 that “most of the guys that wear them are Europeans or French guys.”

-I will allow the introduction of the “Darth Maul Stick”, a hockey stick with blades at both ends.

-Ties will be decided not be sudden-death OT and a shootout, but instead by a two-minute period in which 100 pucks will be dropped onto the ice and the teams must try to score as much as possible during this period.

I think that these changes will make hockey an even better sport and will ensure that it stays popular throughout the new century.

Madonna, you look so very horrid…and your teeth are starting to look so very British…

….this is SOOOOO much better.

Bet you didn’t know that pandas did it in the reverse cowgirl position?

An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down. A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off. Every few minutes, the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills. When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service-station attendant asks.

“Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”

…but fucking cool…

This image of the center of our galaxy was taken with the Spitzer Space Telescope. The region pictured here is immense, with a horizontal span of 890 light-years and a vertical span of 640 light-years. Earth is located 26,000 light-years away, out in one of the Milky Way’s spiral arms. The plane of the Milky Way’s flat disk is apparent as the main, horizontal band of clouds. The brightest white spot in the middle is the very center of the galaxy, which also marks the site of a supermassive black hole.

Here‘s a link to a larger version.

And here’s a link to a 26MB full-resolution file from NASA’s site.

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer.

He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink.

A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says “You the Lone Ranger?”

“Yes, I am” the Lone Ranger replies.

“Oh,” says the man dressed in black, “Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?”

Since ‘Shank is in Vegas this week, it’s up to me to post this:

Three friars were banished from their monastery for strange behavior and various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral bus iness was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar’s store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of tow n. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said “No. We’re not leaving”. So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a coup le weeks later, another woman was walking through the friars shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, “No way.” And all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into thefloral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was nouse. A large dandelion wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar’ s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn’t leave town. But the friars said, “We’re staying”. So, the citizens gave up and began to go home.
Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and s aid, “Get out of town, now!”. The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and stupid plants and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.