Just as a forewarning...this is going to be one of those lame, whiney posts that I occasionally have in lieu of a livejournal.
I've always had trust issues. I'm not sure why...I'd like to be able to say that it goes back to some horrible event as a child, but I don't think that's it. At least, I can't remember anything that would affect me in such a way. My parents never messed with my head or anything, such as promising to take me to Disneyland then only going to a fair or anything like that.
But, like I said, I have these trust issues. And for the most part, I successfully keep them in check. That said, there are, as a result, very few people in the world I completely trust. I think part of this might be a distance thing...keep people at arms' length to avoid potential pain down the road--I've always been one of those people who will just stop being your friend if you violate my trust in you. And yeah, in case you're wondering, this has led to a few failed relationships and friendships.
I was painfully reminded of this when I got home tonight from the hockey game. As per my nightly ritual, I checked my gmail. And I had a message waiting for me from someone on MySpace. Imagine my surprise when I opened my message box on the site and found that it was a message from "Mike" from college. "Mike", which isn't his real name, was my closest friend, besides my girlfriend, back at A&M. We'd met my freshman year and, since we lived a few doors down from each other in Dunn Hall, fell into a close friendship. We hung out, played Sega, went to parties...all that fun stuff. We were good friends for a couple of years and he grew into that role of trusted male confidant--I'd let him into my innner circle, sharing a level of confidence that only my then-girlfriend shared with me.
Then he had to go and fuck it all up. One night, we--meaning Mike and myself--my girlfriend had a sorority function to attend--were supposed to hang out, doing I don't remember. Then Mike cancelled. Which was cool--he said he had to study and work on a "huge project", which I totally understood...we were both engineering students at the time. So, to alleviate my boredom, I called up another friend of mine from back home to see if he wanted to get dinner and drinks, to which my other friend agreed. We went to Freebirds in Northgate, satifying our needs for burrito goodness, and decided to meander down the way to Fitzwilly's. Imagine my surprise when Mike walked in with a girl--they were on a date. He awkardly acknowledged my other friend and I, then disappeared with her upstairs. Personally, I was hurt. Why? Well, this is the part that sounds vaguely lame and gay, but it hurt me--and maybe I'm just an emotional wuss--that he felt it necessary to lie to me for some reason to go out with this chick. How fucking hard would it have been to just say, "Hey, I'm going out with this chick on Friday night, so I can't hang out"? Not too hard, I imagine...I've done it before.
Later that night, I talked it over with the girlfriend and--thankfully--she didn't think I was out of line being upset about it. I decided that I couldn't trust Mike anymore because he'd lied to me. That's one think I hate more than anything--people lying to you. I'm a rather open person--if you're a friend, you can return the fucking favor.
The weird thing is, nearly the same fucking thing happened with another friend six years later.
So maybe it's partly my fault, but maybe people just feel a need to treat me like a chump.
I fucking hate that.
So anyhow, it's been almost eight years since I last talked to "Mike". I don't know if I'm going to reply yet. Maybe it's time to bury the hatchet...things have changed since then. Or maybe I can just go ahead and be a dick and ignore it. Any suggestions?