SomethingSoWrong
Funniness Negates Wrongness
Friday, September 15, 2006
I Will Survive...
So, the season premier of Survivor aired last night. I didn't watch it, as I'm already committed to the similarly-themed, yet much more realistic, Lost, which has never featured a flabby, naked middle-aged man, but does feature the somewhat more attractive Evangeline Lilly, who, in the vernacular of the immortal (unlike Tupac) Marshall Mathers, makes my pee-pee go doing-doing-doing. (Actually, it's never made that noise. In fact, if it did, I'd be somewhat concerned. Come to think of it, I don't think it's ever really made a noise by itself...squick-squick-squick, maybe, when involved in intimate activities, but that's certainly not a noise it made of its own volition). But I digress, as I tend to do. Just as I tend to do a lot of things, such as...dammit, there I go again. Fuck. At any rate, back to Survivor, I'm sure that many people, even people with IQs in the triple digits, tuned in to see what happened on the premier.

This season of Survivor garnered a lot of controversy before premiering because of the fact that this season, the teams are split into groups according to race. So, what does this mean to the series? I'm not sure, but I think it'll probably settle once and for all what race is the supreme master of the world. Which, of course, means that people are going to whine if the white race wins. They should've called the show The Amazing Race, if only there wasn't already a show called that.

I must admit, I'm totally unqualified to comment on Survivor. In fact, I've never even watched it, save for once the first season when I accidentally tuned into it for about seven minutes, thinking it was some sort of Gilligan's Island remake starring a bunch of damn hippies. Personally, I think it's a total sham. These people are not really "surviving". If I get stranded on a deserted island, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to have a camera crew following me around with medical personnel standing by in case I fall down a cliff. And I'm pretty sure that there wouldn't be an Animal Planet-reject host offering me "immunities", "rewards" and "One Million Dollars".

I think CBS should strive to make this show more realistic. Take everyone out onto an island, let a hurricane hit it, then don't interfere while the survivors kill each other until there's a last man standing, who would then receive the over-size novelty check for "One Million Dollars". And I know that right now you're probably saying "Rifleman, are you crazy? Don't you know how hard it would be to ensure that the island the contestants are on is hit by a hurricane?" I can think of two ways to solve this problem. One would be to have the contestants waiting to be loaded onto a plane and rushed to an island in the path of an approaching hurricane. The other, more practical way, would be to simply call up President Bush and get him to use his Weather Dominator, which SSW previously discussed in our interview with Flint here.

But that's not going to happen, because CBS's top brass are a bunch of lawsuit-fearing pussies. As for this season, I'm hoping that Asians win, mainly so that perhaps the Chinese will go easy on the US when they take over the rest of the world.