Funniness Negates Wrongness
Thursday, July 14, 2005
It all started with a text message from Holly early this morning. It was a link to an image, along with the caption "that's the scariest thing I have ever seen". I had my doubts, but then I followed the link. And discovered a new definition for the term "nightmare fuel". It was a picture of Gene Wilder, as Willy Wonka, surrounded by Oompa Loompas. Thanks to that link, I won't sleep for next few nights. Thanks Holly.

Holly suggested we collaborate on a blog, so she wrote up an entry to her Livejournal (stangely, she's not an emo kid) and said I could appropriate whatever I wanted for this site. I read it over, looking for material, but decided that it was too wonderful to not feature the entire thing here.

But before you read her musings, I want to talk a little bit about Willy Wonka. And the true story of the Oompa Loompas.

Oompa Loompas, quite simply, are homosexual sex slaves. That's slaves. Gay ones, at that. It's so obvious, I can't believe I'd never noticed it before. But the evidence is there, and I have taken it upon myself to lay it out as follows:

- First off, it's obvious Willy Wonka is gay. Creepy middle-aged man, always wearing purple. Come on, no straight man wears that much purple...and don't say Prince does, because his sexuality has been in question for a long, long time now. Even the name, Willy Wonka, is sexual in nature, being a corruption of "Willy Wanker". I'm not saying that only gay men masturbate, mainly because then I'd be the one questioning my own sexuality, but only a flamboyantly gay man would adopt a moniker so suggestive as "Willy Wanker".

- Chocolate Factory. Sure, a factory might certainly be a place where raw materials go in one end and finished goods come out the other. But this also descibes the human digestive system. And if there's one thing that gay men really like, it's that "other" chocolate factory "down under", if you know what I mean. And I'm not talking about Nestlé Australia's plant just outside of Sydney.

- The oompa loompas are all men. That's right--not a single female amongst them. A scheme specifically adopted from penitentiaries to force them to turn to homosexual sex in order to find sexual fulfillment. And look at how eagerly they dance with each other, jumping on one anothers' backs or putting their heads between each others' legs. You don't see straight men doing these things.

- Everlasting Gobstoppers. Innocent candy? Or reusable contraceptive?

- The biggest clue, for me at least, is in a line from one of their songs. That line, of course, is "Oompa Loompa, Gobbledee Goo". It's obvious, being that the film was made in Munich, that this is heavily accented English for "Gobble the goo", which, of course, means "to swallow semen".

So, there you have it, Willy Wonka is an allegory on sexuality. Or something like that. I might be wrong, but I doubt it.

Holly's Livejournal Entry

It is appropriate to begin with an IM conversation, between my brother and myself, which took place this morning.

Joe: charlie and the chocolate factory comes out this weekend
Joe: scariness
Holly: LET'S GO!
Holly: I dare you.
Holly: I will if you will
Joe: ok
Joe: i am scared

Okay, mind you, he has a much smaller reason to be scared.

Then this comes.


Joe: now that is scary
Holly: I know... :(
Holly: MUST.......GET........PAST........THE..............FEAR...............
Holly: that's me trying to convince myself
Holly: >:o
Joe: :-D
Holly: scary ass bitches
Joe: now that is funny


Ask anyone I really know what I'm afraid of and they'll tell you. These little orange demons with green hair have messed me up since childhood and only one other person I have known in my life has been able to understand/relate to this irrational fear. Yes, I know they are "not real" and they won't "come and kill me in my sleep." However, whilst I am watching the original film that I love so dearly, I can't help but take these irrational fears and do the proverbial run with them. So, this new brother was quick to point out that the new Oompa Loompas are not like the old, which is true, but...

(Andrew sent me a picture of one, but I can only find it online in one place, and I can't post it, so here is a different one.)

I can handle that. It's just Deep Roy. It doesn't look like an Oompa Loompa. The whole viewing experience could be much easier than first expected.

Maybe. The other picture he sent was much scarier. Much. I can't find it, as a said, except on Yahoo! Movies, so check it out:

Joe: heheheheheh
Holly: what the hell is that?
Holly: what the HELL IS THAT!?
Joe: you know what it is hollacious
Joe: doopity doo
Holly: goodbye.
Holly: forever.
Joe: heheheheheheh

Then, as sick as it is, in a masochistic gesture ONLY to prove a point, I show him this monstrosity of an offense to the human eyesight.


Holly: GET THEM AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!! :(
Joe: and you think i am bad??? you are toturing yourself with those photos
Holly: evil
Joe: why do they have white eyebrows, but green hair????
Holly: because they are demons
Joe: hahahahahaha

You have to understand, friends -- Willy Wonka was my first crush. Yes, as sick as it is, I loved him. I loved his purple, velveteen coat, his tophat, his cane, his wild hair, his sarcastic sense of humor (which is, in fact, where I believe I got mine, actually), and the way he coud do an amazing flip after hobbling around with a cane. I could never understand why he would associate himself with these...things. He should have just let the confounded snoz wanglers finish them off while they were ahead.

So, I love my friend Michele. At least I loved her until today when she sent me this.

Of course I showed it to Andrew.
Holly: coming from BEHIND A TREE!??!?!
Holly: he's plotting.
Holly: he's trying to figure out a way to kick me in the shins
Joe: hahahahahahaha!!
Holly: or eat my feet
Holly: or bite me.
Holly: this isn't a laughing matter.
Joe: that is so funny i can't control myself
Holly: Michele will pay for that added nightmare.
Joe: oops
Joe: sorry
Joe: i just couldn't help myself
Joe: one more
Joe: face your fears
Holly: what?

People don't understand. They won't EVER. It's just one of those things.

However, on a random sidenote, these things tend to come up a lot doing either a Google or Yahoo! image search for Oompa Loompas. Among them?:

  • Fred Astaire

  • "little people"

  • creepy club kids

  • babies (which is evil)

  • MASS QUANTITIES of pictures from Dawson's Creek, of all things -- especially Joshua Jackson.

What are you not telling us, Josh?

I don't know kids. The verdict is out on this one. Whatever.

As long as he doesn't sing.

Anonymous Holly said...
Yould would think I could spell by now. "Coud."

I need an editor.