For generations, Bentley has been one of the great automakers. The pinnacle of luxury. The acme of perfection. The ugly little sister of Rolls Royce. Then, a few years back, Volkswagen (German for great car with which aid in the committing of genocide), bought Bentley, rescuing it from the hands of its evil English overlords and finally allowing it to come into its own. Their latest car is the Arnage:



Stunning in its grace, sturdy in build and unparalleled in luxury, it commands the road and offers a certain "bling factor" to up-and-coming hip hop stars with questionable future earning ability. At a price tag of $256,000, it's an automobile within the financial reach of but a select few.

So, what do you do if you have the desire for one of these fine autos but lack both the financial and social status to actually acquire one? Simple. You follow the steps outlined below and before you know it, you too will have your very own Bentley. (Or at least something close enough to fool the extremely stupid casual observer).

1. Be born here:



2. At the age of three, have your parents hire un coyote to smuggle you into the great land past El Rio Bravo del Norte--the Rio Grande--into Texas.

3. Grow up in Oak Cliff, dropping out of school at age 12 to become a drug mule, running drugs for Carlos "El Gigante" Vasquez for $5 a bundle. But watch out for those truant officers!

4. Be sure to eat plenty of your madre's tamales with extra manteca, because you need to grow big and fat to be a proper blackeye on society.

5. Spend a year in juvie at age 13 for pulling a knife a poor mister Maharajapuram, proprietor of the corner convenience store. Good thing the court didn't find out about the drugs you'd been running for "El Gigante", or you would've been in until you turned 18!

6. After getting out of juvie, keep running drugs for "El Gigante" and growing fat for a couple of more years until you turn 19. Then, seeing a business oppurtunity, move to Coppell or Valley Ranch, hoping to supply cocaine to the Dallas Cowboys.

7. It's 1997. Buy a cellphone the size of a brick and never, ever get another one for at least the next seven years, even though cellphones are the one area where bigger is not necessarily better. Besides, you've grown to be very gordo, so it would be hard for your fat, pudgy Mexican fingers to press the buttons on anything smaller.

8. That coke dealing gig didn't work out, so instead--for the next six years--you're supplying skanky weed to the high school kids in Coppell, but you still have dreams of being a big time drug dealer, with your very own cartel and everything.

9. Wanting to look the part of a big time drug dealer with your very own cartel and several violations of the RICO Act under your belt, you decide you need the car of a big time drug dealer with his very own cartel.

10. You go to Barnes and Noble to peruse the magazines, looking for the newest in luxury cars. Unfortunately, you can't read, so you get the seven-year-old at the next table in the B&N Cafe to sound out the words for you. That is until her mom notices her precious little girl talking to a fat Mexican with a leer in his eye.

11. From what the little girl read to you, you realize that you'll never afford a Maybach or a Aston-Martin or even a Escalade. You're really sad because that Bentley Arnage really caught your eye, but you'll never save up $256,000 selling skanky weed to Coppell High students, even if they are whiney little rich bastards whose parents buy them everything they want and have no concept of money and hard-work so you jack up the weed prices 25% to rip them off.

12. Aha! What's this? Is it another, smaller Bentley? It sure looks like one, right here on page 118 of Car & Driver, even if it is smaller than the Arnage. But you don't know what it is, because you still can't read. You find a guy who reads what it is to you. It's a Chrysler 300 and it's only $27,880 (as tested). You can afford that! And maybe your compadres will be gullible enough to believe that it's really a Bentley.

13. You go to the nearby Chrysler dealer and pay cash a new silver 300. No credit check for you!



14. You get you cousin Hector to steal one of these emblems off a real Bentley that he parks one afternoon at the country club in the Park Cities where he's a valet.



15. You go to Walmart and buy a tube of Crazy Glue, then returning to your apartments, you pry the Chrysler emblem off the front of your 300, then glue the stolen Bentley emblem in its place. You briefly consider prying the "300" off the back of your car, but then you decide you can leave it there and tell all your muchachos that the "300" signifies how fast your new car can go.

16. Get a peckish for some burnt-tasting coffee and decide to go up to the neighborhood Starbucks at MacArthur and Beltline.



17. Sit outside, talking on your brick-sized cellphone in overly-loud Spanish, mere feet from your faux Bentley, where you can admire it and keep those damn kids from running into it with their bikes and skateboards.

18. Wonder why longershank and Rifleman are inside Starbucks laughing so hard and pointing at your "Bentley".