Funniness Negates Wrongness
Thursday, April 08, 2004
What the hell is Grimace? I've often pondered this question late at night, when I should be sleeping. Or "downloading" net porn. I--along with others I have consulted--have come up with a few theories. Someone said that he was supposed to represent McDonald's shakes, but this can't be right--McDonald's doesn't have purple shakes. Or at least none of the ones I've ever been to, but perhaps in far-off, exotic places like Illinois, there are purple McDonald's shakes. Another friend simply said he was "a glop". Okay. But a glop of what? The crap that all of McDonald's food is molded from? Perhaps. I've always had a theory that late at night, big tanker trucks full o' McDonald's goo pull up to the restaurants and unload said goo into huge underground storage tanks. Then, whenever you order a Big Mac or a Fillet o' "Fish", a large machine in the back of the kitchen extrudes the selected food item, not unlike the Play-Doh Fun Factory. This theory, while viable, doesn't seem quite right either. So I looked up the word "grimace" in the dictionary and found the following definition:

grimace - a sharp contortion of the face, expressive of pain, contempt, or disgust

Aha. Now we're on to something. It's obvious that Grimace represents the reaction one has when eating McDonald's so-called food. And while this makes sense from a reality standpoint, I imagine that from a marketing angle, it's probably not quite what McDonald's had intended. So what had been their intentions? To find out, I took it upon myself to write their headquarters, sending a quick email requesting more information on Grimace. After a wait of 48 hours, which is entirely too long and makes me believe that they themselves needed time to figure out what Grimace is supposed to be, I received the following email:

Grimace personifies the child in everyone. He's a big, fuzzy, purple fellow, and is Ronald's right-hand man and closest friend.

Everyone in McDonaldland loves Grimace because of his innocent, loving nature. He's enthusiastic, eager and easily pleased. Grimace walks with a rolling gait, and can't be classified as any particular kind of animal.

Again, thanks for thinking of Grimace. We look forward to serving you for many years to come.

I'm not sure how Grimace is supposed to personify the child in me, though. My fellow didn't become big, fuzzy and purple until puberty--well after childhood. But I might be on to something; the second clause in the second sentence has led me to believe that Grimace represents Ronald's big, fuzzy and purple penis. Ronald, being a lonely clown, probably masturbates a lot and prefers his right hand for said activity. Thus, Ronald likes to say that his penis is his "right-hand man". And being lonely and spending all your time wanking might lead someone crazy enough to run around with clown makeup on all day to indeed call his penis his "closest friend." As for the rest of the email, it's obviously a cover-up for Grimace's true nature. I mean, you can't have parents thinking that everytime they go to McDonald's and their kids run up to the minimum-wage-earning employee in the Grimace suit and hug him that their actually hugging a giant penis. After all, McDonald's isn't the Roman Catholic Church.

So, there you have it--straight from the clown's mouth.