Funniness Negates Wrongness
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Weird User Mail

Today's dispatch is going to be short, but I had to share this weird email we got here at SSW. It's as follows:

User: dale earnhardt
i like to lickity lick the dead babies..mmmmmm.

it's like midget vagina.


Okay, let's examine this. The user states his name is Dale Earnhardt. I have a hard time believing this was actually sent by dead NASCAR redneck Dale Earnhardt. Mainly because Dale's dead. If you'll remember, Earnhardt was made into a human PEZ dispenser during an accident in the final lap of the Daytona 500 on February 18, 2001. I seriously doubt that he has Internet access in Hell, though if he does, I'm sure it's with MSN. Or AOL.

He states he likes to "lickity lick" the dead babies. I'm assuming that he's refering to dead babies left in car seats. I find that it's hard to lick dead babies because usually you don't hear about them dying in car seats until the police are notified, so this really cuts down on a window of opportunity in which you can lick them. Say that you heard there was a dead baby in an SUV down at Big Town Mall. You'd have to somehow get there, lick the babies and flee without anyone observing you. I don't think this would be easy and I doubt anyone has tried to lick dead SUV babies because I'm certain that we'd hear about it on the news.

Dead babies taste like midget vagina. I'm assuming that midget vagina tastes pretty much like "big person" vagina. However, I don't know what dead babies taste like, though I do know what L'Orange sauce tastes like. And it doesn't taste like vagina. Well, except for maybe unkempt smegma-y vagina or the vagina of someone who's recently douched with Massengill's Fresh Country-Style Orange Feminine Douche (with pulp).

In conclusion, I have to say that this appears to be the work of some nutty loner, planning on any day now climbing the nearest clock-tower with a high-powered rifle and playing Duck Hunt with the public's heads. I'm glad there're no clock-towers near my house.