Funniness Negates Wrongness
Thursday, August 07, 2003
Today I saw one of the most peculiar things I think I have ever seen, and that’s definitely saying something. I was driving back to work from lunch and saw a dump truck which I assumed was carrying dirt because on the side a sign read (713) HIS-SOIL and between the area code and the “number” was a picture of Jesus on the cross. At first I thought that the funny tasting tea at Whataburger must have been laced with acid, but after I did a double take and rubbed my eyes, I found that I had seen correctly.

I tried to understand why somebody would try to sell dirt by using the image of Christ. The only people I can think of that are in the market for both would be dead people, but then again they would never see the truck, so that didn’t make sense. Then, as if Jesus had shown himself to me (which he had), another solution came to me. As with most traditional depictions of J.C. on the cross, he had wrappings around his waist, which especially in this instance, looked like a diaper. So I thought, what if “His soil” meant “His bodily waste,” and this company dealt in fertilizer.

While that still didn’t make much sense (as stupid things, such as this truck, rarely do), it got me thinking about something I have never really pondered, as I doubt many of you have either. The Bible never talks about Jesus dropping off some Cosby kids at the pool every now and then. Although there were many opportunities to do so, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John never covered the subject. I imagine after the Last Supper, Jesus probably ducked out for some alone time. Of course, then the shortest verse in the Bible would be, “Jesus shat.”

So what happened when Jesus made his daily deposit? Would it just sit on top of the water, not sinking? That would be a problem. When he flushed, it would just “walk” around in circle on the water, an un-flushable. What about other major religious figures? Buddha probably just sat around contemplating the meaning of shit, but never did. Allah, most likely, had explosive diarrhea all the time. Moses, of course would experience the opposite of Jesus, as his excrement exodus would just part the water on the way down.

I hope I have given you something to think about next time you sit down for nice long rectal release. Remember, wipe good. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness.