Funniness Negates Wrongness
Friday, August 22, 2003
There's been a somewhat disturbing trend lately of parents or guardians leaving kids in hot cars for several hours only to find them dead later. First off, how stupid do you have to be to foget that you left a kid in a car? Some of the excuses people make are downright retarded. My favorite is "I thought I'd dropped him off at daycare." How do you not remember if you took your kid to daycare or not? Something like that seems like it would be pretty easy to's not like trying to remember to set the VCR to record "Surfside 6". I forget to set the VCR all the time, but people don't usually die because I don't record "Friends". (Of course, I personally wouldn't be caught dead recording "Friends"). Anyhow, with all these people killing kids out there, albeit "on accident" (though I think some people just get tired of caring for the rugrat and leave them in their cars on purpose), I thought there could at least be some way to make something productive out of these incidents. Inspired by Jonathan Swift, I think we may have come up with a way to feed the hungry in our society, so I therefore present my recipe for "Child L'Orange".

Child L'Orange

1 small child (at least 20 lbs.)
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons Lawry's Seasoning Salt
1 large Granny Smith apple
2 garlic cloves
2 sage leaves
1 teaspoon light olive oil
Place child in child safety seat (Kraco brand seats are the best for these purposes, but any sturdy seat will do.) Buckle child in, as it may struggle too much if unrestrained, making preparation difficult.

Sprinkle chili powder and seasoning salt all over child.

Puree garlic, sage and olive oil and fill in child's arms and bodily orifices.

Chop apple into 1-inch pieces and stuff inside child's mouth.

Place child in backseat of SUV and bake in hot sun for 1 hour and 10 minutes for a slightly rare child. Child will be ready when face is purple and veins protrude from forehead (not unlike the pop-up readiness indicator found in some store-bought turkeys).

Makes 4 servings.

L'Orange Sauce

4 tablespoons mango chutney (Major Greys bottled is my favorite, but Kroger makes their own brand that seems to work just fine)
2 tablespoons peach preserves (low sugar)
Juice of one whole orange
3 tablespoons of child drippings from car seat
1/4 cup of red wine (Cabernet)

Put ingredients in saucepan and heat until alcohol simmers off, about 6 minutes. Serve L'Orange sauce over sliced child.

Makes about 1 cup.

Bon Appetit!