Funniness Negates Wrongness
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Book Review

Moby Dick by Herman Melville

Call me Minotaur. No other story in the history of written language has better captured the essence of the male organ than Melville's timeless seafaring novel, Moby Dick. Of course it doesn't come right out and say that it is about the penis, except that the word "dick" is in the title. Oh, and "penis" is the first word that comes to mind when I think of Moby. That whiney little bitch with his veganism, bald head, his ultra leftist politics and what not. So really I guess it does come right out and say it.

Too often when people read Moby Dick, they get caught up in the exciting story of Ishmael's voyage on the Pequod with his megalomaniacal captain chasing down the great white whale. To think that this is what the story is all about is to miss out on the most important aspect of the novel, but not just the novel, dare I say, all of life. You may say, "Minotaur, you mean to tell me that this classic novel is all about cock, I don't believe you!" To which I quote the following soliloquy on masturbation from chapter 48:

"Let all your crew pull strong, come what will. There's hogsheads of sperm ahead, Mr. Stubb, and that's what ye came for. (Pull, my boys!) Sperm, sperm's the play! This at least is duty; duty and profit hand in hand."

This quote reveals to us the true way the Pequod and other whaling ships would earn money. True, some money was earned by spearing whales for their oil, blubber and meat. The true money came from the orgiastic stroke fests that the crew would have. One can only imagine the entire crew on deck going at themselves while one of the officers barked out orders. The men are free at sea to beat off whenever need be without the fear of being caught by their wives. The "New England chowder" would be collected and stored until they returned to shore where it would be sold to local sperm banks. It would then be sent to by the barrel load to Asia for extreme bukkake.

I really could go on and on, but to do that would be doing you a disservice by ruining so many of the rich metaphors and references to the male genitalia to be found within the pages of the wonderful novel. I will, though, give you some things to look out for upon your next reading. Chapter 15 is entitled "Chowder". The character Mr. Stubb is a little to friendly to Ahab. Queequeg and Ishmael sharing a bed towards the beginning. The masthead being an important symbol. Queequeg's idol Yogo. I leave you with these points to ponder the next time you find yourself in the "drizzly November of [your] soul".