Funniness Negates Wrongness
Monday, May 05, 2003
Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Today is the Mexican holiday of Cinco de Mayo (literally, "SInk of Mayonaisse"), which celebrates the Mexican army's defeat of the French in the historic "Guerra de la Salsa" in 18...something...something. Deep in the throes of the Mexican Revolution, the Mexican army was at wit's end. For some reason, they found that they were sleeping through the battles against the French and, thus, were near defeat. Something had to be done. Colonel Paco de Sanchez, a rising star in the Mexican Army, heard that the French army was planning to celebrate a previous victory by cooking up a batch of calf stomachs and dining on it. As the French often do, they were preparing a batch of hollandaisse sauce to garnish the stomachs. Sanchez hit upon the idea of replacing their hollandaise sauce with the much more unpalatable--to French tastebuds, at least--mayonaisse. Therefore, he gathered together his men and sent them on a quest to find as much vegetable oil and eggs in the surrounding villages as possible. Racing against time, the men returned with their loot and poured it into a large washbasin, or sink, to be mixed. Using their bayonets, the men stirred the eggs and oil for hours, taking turns as they, being Mexicans, quickly got sleepy. Finally, within hours of the French celebration, the mayonaisse was ready. Crafting a large fake nose to enable him to blend in with the French troops, Sanchez snuck into the French camp and craftily replaced the hollandaisse with the mayonaisse. Because it had set out in the hot Mexican sun for hours, the mayonaisse had spoiled and within hours of eating it, the French had horrible cases of diarrhea. Unfortunately for Sanchez, he'd been captured by the French when a sentry had inquired as to who he was. Never being a great student in French class growing up, Sanchez hadn't mastered irregular verbs and had failed to conjugate the past imperfect tense while giving his answer. As a result, he was stuck in the camp while the French crapped their brains out. The French general, regaining his composure, had the prisoner brought before him. As he spoke to Sanchez, preparing to mete out his punishment, which was to be death, he attempted to humiliate Sanchez by wiping a thin streak of fecal matter onto Sanchez's upper lip. But before he could kill Sanchez, the Mexican army surprised the French with their pants down and slaughtered them. Rescuing Sanchez, his amigos mocked him for the feces on his lip and from that day on, called him "Dirty Sanchez". To this day, the Mexican people play homage to this great man by living in filth and having parades on May 5th.

Well, there's your history lesson for the day. As for me, I think I'll celebrate the Mexican holiday the most appropriate way possible...doing yard work and sleeping.