SomethingSoWrong
Funniness Negates Wrongness
Thursday, May 01, 2003
As you may or may not know, the Rifleman has a day job that he works at everyday, just like the rest of you schlebs. The company I work for manufactures and imports home and garden accents and supplies. One of our products is a garden hose on a reel so that it may be retracted by the user once they've finished hosing whatever it is that needs to be hosed. Today, we received a letter of complaint from a consumer in Alaska who'd purchased one of these particular items. This is a precise reproduction of that letter, grammatical errors inclusive:

To: Customer Service
From: [REDACTED TO PROTECT THE CONSUMER]
Re: Coiled water hose

Today, at the grocery store, I saw a display of your coiled hoses. I thought to myself, "that might make the yard appear neater," and I promptly purchased one.

When I got home and had the groceries put away. I went merrily out to work in the yard. I had two flats of flowers that I have been nurturing in my bedroom window for the past two months. They have been out in the yard hardening for the last few days. I noticed that they were in need of a drink, so I thought, "aha, I shall use the new coiled hose to water them."

I picked up the package and with great strength, attempted to pull the package apart to get to the hose. But, alas, it wouldn't budge. I picked up my gardening shears to cut the top off the packaging, but alas, it was too tough for the scissors. By now, I was a bit frustrated. I walked back to the house to get a knife. I then attempted to saw the edge with the knife, but alas, the plastic was too tough. I then poked the plastic with the knife, but alas, the plastic was too tough. Thoroughly frustrated and uttering blue words, I stabbed at the package. The knife slipped, went through the hose, out the other side, into my hand. I was so startled, I jumped, tripped, and fell on the my two flats of flowers that I have been nurturing for two months.

Why in heaven's name does your hose need to be package as it is? The $220 14 karat gold chain I bought for my mom today isn't as securely packages as your friggen hose!!! My hand is fine, but the hose has a hole in it and is useless, my adorable baby plants dead.

Thanks for nothing.