Funniness Negates Wrongness
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
Today's dispatch is going to be short, but I just had to say something about Benedict Arnett...uh...I mean Peter Arnett. As you may or may not know, Peter Arnett, late of CNN, has been in Baghdad covering the war for MSNBC and National Geographic. Over the weekend, Arnett, who's been criticized for being too cozy with the Iraqis, showed us exactly how cozy his is with them. He broadcast hardcore bukkake porn involving him and Uday Hussein. No, not really...Instead, he gave an interview with Iraqi TV. In this interview, he stated that the American's war effort had failed. Later, NBC fired him, as did National Geographic for what in earlier wars would have been considered "aiding the enemy", an offense that used to be punishable by death, but the US apparently doesn't enforce this, because if we did, Jane Fonda wouldn't be alive today. Her bones would be lost somewhere in the Vietnamese jungle. And we would have never been subjected to an endless stream of workout videos.

So, Monday morning, I flip on NBC's Today Show with the sickening Katie Couric and, lo and behold, there was Peter Arnett, trying to explain himself. His lame excuse was that it was a "misjudgment", which is kind of like saying the Kennedy assassination was an "accident". Suffice it to say, it was too little, too late and Arnett was fired. Two hours later, he's hired by the UK's Daily Mirror, a tabloid. How sad is it to go from CNN to MSNBC to a tabloid in a period of four years? Face it, Arnett, that 1966 Pulitzer is useless might have got you good jobs in the past, but here you are, reporting on Fran Drescher's shopping spree at the Torrance K-Mart.

A lot of people have been wondering what the interview consisted of. Since DirecTV doesn't seem to carry The Iraqi Network, I had to do a little research, but I was able to find a partial transcript of the interview. While I am sure that this is the intellectual property of The Iraqi Network, I'm not too worried about violating their copyright by reprinting it here. After all, what are they going to do, put a jihad on me? (I hope so...then I can hang out with Salman Rushdie)

Interview with Peter Arnett
Recorded 3.29.03
Baghdad Studios

Abdul Fuqwad (addressing camera): Welcome back to Iraq Today. I hope, for your sake, you enjoyed that inspirational message from the great leader, President Saddam Hussein. We're here today with our good friend, Peter Arnett, of the infidel American television network, CNN. (Turns to Arnett). How are you doing, old friend?

Peter Arnett: I'm doing great. I want to extend my gratitude to Uncle Saddam for giving me a lovely guest room at his secret headquarters last night. It was nice to sleep under the protection of four feet of concrete, guarding me from the bombs of the pig-dog American military.

AF: I will personally ensure that President Hussein hears of your gratitude. Now, tell me, what is your view of the war? How do you feel both sides are doing?

PA: Well, it's obvious that the evil Americans are losing, grasping for straws if you will. They're taking pot shots at innocent civilians and I am sure that they are going to unleash chemical and biological weapons onto the brave Iraqi fighters, then blame it on your valiant army, saying that it was your defenseless innocent Fedayeen who unleashed these horrible weapons on your benevolent people, much like they continue to spread the laughable lies that the Iraqi army killed hundreds of thousands of Kurds and Shiites in the 1980s in similar ways. The stupid Americans are losing the war and it is an undeniable fact that the great Islamic republic of Iraq will triumph under the guidance of Allah and Mohammed, praise be unto his name, Allah's prophet.

AF: You have always been a welcome and honored guest of Iraq. What would you say that is the underlying reason for your closeness to the Iraqi people?

PA: Well, as you know, I am from New Zealand, which is a country of sheep. When I come to Iraq, I am reminded of home by all the sheep I see. I share a great love of sheep with the Iraqi people. In fact, like most Iraqi men, I lost my virginity to a sheep.

AF: Yes, there is nothing quite as wonderful as a sheep. Have you ever cornered one at a cliff?

PA: Of course. That's a favorite sheep-related sexual technique of mine, as they push back harder.

AF: What do you think of the esteemed President Saddam Hussein?

PA: Saddam is one of the kindest, most loving people I have ever met. He's just so cuddly--you want to wrap your arms around him and hug him for being a great leader, doing so much for his people. It is truly evil that the Americans and the British want him dead, but their piddly armies will not succeed. Only the great Arab armies of Iraq will succeed and the coalition is foolish to think that they can destroy Saddam.

End of partial transcript

That's all of the transcript that I could find. Oh well, the tabloids can have him. Maybe they'll bring back Arthur Kent now.