Funniness Negates Wrongness
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Totally Gay
A male friend of mine was recently telling me that people occasionally think he's gay, but he has no idea why they'd think this. Looking at him, he doesn't seem particularly gay, but there's something about him that sends out gay vibes. I guess a good word to describe him would be "fauxmosexual". We proceded to talk about what he could do to remedy this. This is the list of helpful hints I came up with:

- Never watch musicals. Or any performing art. Especially ballet.
- Never drive one of these.
- Never have gay friends, even if they are really cool and have a skybox at the nearest professional sports arena. Your straight friends won't understand and think you're pillow biters together.
- Buy lots of lesbian porn. Then your friends won't think you're buying porn just to get an occasional glimpse of a jimmer-jammer.
- thStop talking withh a lithsp.
- Throw out those leather pants.
- If you know how to dance, quickly forget these skills. Become the total opposite of Alvin Ailey. And keep repeating to yourself "No matter how rough he was in Roadhouse, Patrick Swayze has to be gay".
- Stop downloading gay porn, even if you justify it to yourself as for "comparison purposes only". People see right through that.
- Get that old wrist injury from high school football looked at. It's still limp.
- Get rid of those rainbow stickers on your car.
- Drown that cat and get a dog. Not a lap dog like a shih-tzu, but a manly one, like a mastiff or rottweiller.
- Never appear in public in bike shorts, even if you are on a ride. In fact, it's a good general rule to never appear in public in anything that outlines ones "package".
- Never quote NBC's Will & Grace
- Never go to an outdoor activity that requires one to wear a loincloth.
- Never hang around the locker room at the gym longer than it takes to change clothes and get outta Dodge.
- Joining a fraternity seems like a pretty gay thing to do.
- Grow a mullet. That's a pretty manly thing to do.
- No matter what you might think, Rupert Everett is not a comedic/acting genius.
- Don't model your life after Frasier. Even though the character is straight, his lifestyle is pretty gay.
- Stop having sex with so many men.