Funniness Negates Wrongness
Monday, April 07, 2003
Morbidly Obese People
Late post again today. Why? Well, I could blame it on the Communist farm collective-influenced Daylight Savings Time, but that would be the easy way out. The fact of the matter is, I'm lazy. Not as lazy as one of those people that Jerry Springer occasionally "rescues" by tearing town the wall of their domicile then lifting out of bed with a crane, but not as energetic as perpetually annoying Richard Simmons. In fact, I thank God or whatever higher power there is that I'm not that energetic. And not that gay. Or, really, not gay at all.

Mentioning Jerry Springer rescueing real-life Jabba the Hutts made me wonder how these overly-large individuals go to the bathroom. Do they just do it there in the bed then wallow in the filth? Like a pig? Or, if they are somehow able to make it to their bathroom, how do they keep the toilet from collapsing under their massive weight? Is it reinforced with steel? Made of concrete? Some kind of exotic material recovered from crashed UFOs? And let's say that Jabba makes it to the bathroom and sits upon his throne without it giving way under his colossal ass. He grunts and strains for a bit before making like a McFlurry machine and soft-serving some poo. Afterwards, one normally cleanses their nether regions with a few sheets of toilet paper. However, in order to do so, one needs to be able to reach their nether regions. No way their arms are long enough to reach around the shear massiveness that is their body. Since the bidet is not very popular in this country, I'm going to assume that Jabba doesn't own one. But maybe they have a water hose snaked through the window from the garden into the bathroom and they can direct that towards "down there". Or maybe the have one of those hand-operated claw things that old people sometimes use to reach distant objects and the Jabba people use it to grip a good-sized wad of toilet paper. Or maybe they don't wipe at all but instead scoot along the nice rug in the living room like Aunt Martha's schnauzer did a couple of months ago. Though that's way Jabba has the upper body strength to move his whole body with just his puny arms.

What do these people wear? MuuMuus, I imagine, are only available up to a certain size. I guess they can fashion togas out of a few king size bedsheets. Or maybe just spray-paint some color on to at least hide their pasty skin--it's not like we're going to see their privates with all that flab hanging around.

Speaking of privates, I don't even want to know how they have sex. If they ever do, which is hard to imagine. But these morbidly obese little kids running around have to come from somewhere. Perhaps the process involves Jerry Springer's crane. Or a turkey baster.

How do they take a bath? Does their keeper come in occasionally and hose them off? Maybe use a wire brush on the particularly calloused or dirty areas of their hide? Does the crane come along occasionally and dip them into the pool? Do they load Jabba onto a flatbed and truck them to the carwash? Or out to the airport where the jet-washing trucks do their work?

I imagine that the life of a morbidly obese person is one of challenges, fraught with trials and tribulations that, if someone was ever able to transform themselves from Jabba the Hutt to Princess Leia, I'm sure would make an excellent Lifetime Original Movie. As for me, I'm going to try to improve my laziness and continue to watch Jerry Springer.