I have a coworker that I detest. In fact, she shares a cubicle wall with me, which puts her a little too close for comfort. I call her Mimi because she resembles both Mimi and Drew from The Drew Carey Show
. Only she never wears makeup, which she desperately needs. She's about as large as Mimi and Drew combined, though she claims it's only a temporary weight gain since she gave birth to her daughter. I don't know what her definition of "temporary" is, but I know that her daughter is five years old now. The really funny thing is that she claims she was on the swimming and diving teams in high school and college. Unless she went to Orca University, I don't see how this is remotely possible. Here are some of the quirks she possesses that add up to major annoyance:
- As I mentioned, she doesn't wear makeup, though she badly needs it. At least some lipstick would be nice, because she has these lips that are the same color as the rest of her face, so her mouth looks like this shapeless opening.
- She likes to sing Christina Aguilera's "I Am Beautiful" to herself. You keep kidding yourself...we all know better.
- She's unsure of the father of her daughter. That's pretty trashy.
- She's living with her Mexican fiancee. He got fired from his previous job for sleeping, which is unsurprising. He now works at Discount Tire as a mounting technician. That sounds like a fun job.
- She insists on pronouncing "ArkanSAW" as "ArkanSAS", because, in her words, "If God had wanted us to pronounce it 'Arkansaw', he would have spelled it 'Arkansaw' instead of 'Arkansas'."
- She likes to wear stretch pants. Why is it always the people who shouldn't wear these abominations that have their entire wardrobe made up of them?
- She likes to wear all purple. This kind of makes her look like Grimace from McDonald's or Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka
- She giggles constantly. Every sentence uttered from her shapeless mouth is punctuated with the inane giggle of a slow adult.
- There's an odd smell about her. Like old Chinese food or something.
- She likes to tell stories that really don't go anywhere. These are boring and make me want to slit my wrists.
- Mimi has the odor of rotten Chinese food about her. My eyes water.
There's a bunch of other quirks about her that are annoying and I suppose that my only solace is that I can't write "coworker without first writing "cow".