Funniness Negates Wrongness
Thursday, April 10, 2003
I woke up a bit later than I like to this morning and immediately flipped on the TV. Not to see what was going on in the world, but rather to determine the weather and what the traffic on my commute would be like. As KDFW Fox 4 came into focus on the screen, I was temporarily confused as to what was going on. Perhaps it was lingering effects of my sleepiness, but I was greeted with a live feed of a large group of people trying to tear down a statue of Saddam Hussein. Surely this wasn't causing traffic backups in Dallas, as I'm fairly certain that there's not a oversized statue of Saddam anywhere in the city. At least I'm fairly certain. There might be one in the Mid-Cities. There's a lot of Middle Eastern Arab-type people there. Perhaps that's why they call it the Mid-Cities. I snapped back to reality and realized that I was actually viewing live footage from Baghdad, not Bedford. I watched history being made for a few minutes. Watching all those brown people made me realize that I needed a shower, so that's what I did.

Brown people rejoice, for the great United States military has liberated Baghdad. Which begs the question, what's next for Baghdad? I think the first thing that needs to be done is for Baskin and Robbins to open a franchise there. Because nothing lifts the spirits of a repressed people like delicious ice cream treats shaped like clowns.

Maybe they could call it Baghdad and Robbins.

Secondly, something could be down with all those palaces. I was thinking they could make a resort out of one or two. "Welcome to the Hotel Uday. We have reserved the Torture Suite for you this evening, sir..." or "Would you care for a genital mutilation or non-genital mutilation room?" Perhaps one could be made into a wax museum. You walk in and the first thing you see is Saddam and George W. Bush in a friendly embrace. For the scary part that wax museums invariably feature, they could have "Chemical Ali" gassing Kurds or a graphic recreation of so-called "Highway of Death" complete with the burned bodies of Special Republican Guards. Speaking of which, you'd think that "Republican" Guards would have been eager to help out the President. Bastards.

Thirdly, the liberated Baghdadians or Baghdadites or Baghdaddios will need jobs. As well as showers. Perhaps the Americans could build a water system. And a large soap factory. And a shower scrub factory. In fact, we should send over some of those forest fire fighting planes that can drop large amounts of water onto assembled throngs of brown people. And they can use their turbans as towels.

As for me, I'm just going to sit back and wait for porcelain to go on sale that's marked "MADE IN OCCUPIED IRAQ" on the bottom. If watching Antiques Roadshow has taught me anything, it's that ceramics made in occupied Japan are worth a lot. I'm hoping that history repeats itself and anything made in a country occupied by America becomes very valuable. I'm already counting my dinars...err..dollars.Mad