SomethingSoWrong
Funniness Negates Wrongness
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Half and Half
Wednesday. Half of the week down. Half to go. Yippee. Yesterday for lunch I ventured to that venerable institution of fried-in-peanut-oil-chickeny-goodness that is Chick-Fil-A. I usually order a chicken strip salad or a grilled chicken salad, but for some reason, I felt compelled to return to the classics. I ordered the menu item that made Chick-Fil-A famous. I purchased a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. Mmm...pressure fried chicken breast on a plain, unadorned bun with a couple of dill pickles thrown in for measure. "Heavenly" was the thought that came to mind.

"Heavenly". As I thought of that word, a idea began forming in my mind: Chick-Fil-A is a cultish hot bed of Christian Fundamentalism. There are many reasons I have come to this conclusion. First off, you may have noticed that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sunday. This is so that their fundamentalist legions can attend church. It's also because you're not supposed to work on Sunday. At least that's what the Chick-Fil-A people say the Bible says. In my opinion, if you're not supposed to work on Sundays, then maybe the church shouldn't be open on Sunday. I think the Chick-Fil-A people have it all wrong. After all, Church's Fried Chicken is open Sunday, and they even went as far as to make their restaurants holy sites by calling them "Church's". The best part about Church's on Sunday is seeing all the big pastel hats on the black women as they stop by there in their Cadillacs after Sunday services. Speaking of blacks and fried chicken, I've often wondered about KFC's peculiar choice of Harlan "Colonel" Sanders as their mascot. Here is a man dressed as an antebellum Southern gentleman who's trying to sell fried chicken to black people. "Southern gentleman", as we all know, is a euphemism for "slave-owning white supremist". I am continually dismayed that blacks continue to flock to KFC for their cholesterol-fortified chicken. It's a wonderment of marketing genius, I suppose. Perhaps by providing them with tasty fried chicken, black people perceive the Colonel as a kindly slave-owner who gladly provides them with nourishment rather than the kind that would rape the women and beat the men for not picking enough cotton.

Back to Chick-Fil-A

I once had a friend that joined the Cult of Chicken for couple of weeks during college. Luckily, he was saved by his senses and quickly returned to Scientology. But not before collecting tidbits of Christian Fundamentalism as sprinkled about the temple. Er...restaurant. According to him, somewhere on each one (usually on top of the drawer), you'll find a placard reading "God's Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Steal". Look, if you didn't think that there was good in all people, you wouldn't end up hiring felons. Does it work? I don't know. But perhaps other fast food places should use the same idea. Taco Bell could put up a placard saying "Thou shall not masturbate in the sour cream." McDonald's could use "Thou shall use real meat". And 7-11 could have "Thou shall hire English speaking clerks."

I'm sure that there are other signs that Chick-Fil-A is a fundamentalist playground. There menu probably contains coded messages from God, much like the so-called Bible Code book that purports to decode messages from Yahweh. In fact, I found an example to illustrate this point. "Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich" translates, using the Rosetta Stone, to "Eat chicken or burn in the fires of Hell". At any rate, I'm not going to let this fundamentalism stand in the way of a good chicken sandwich and waffle fries consecrated with dill pickles. As far as I know, Christianity isn't spread through food, so feel free to eat there even if you are afraid of the Jesus Bug.