Funniness Negates Wrongness
Monday, March 24, 2003
Quick and Dirty Oscar Review
Actually, not that dirty, mainly because this is a family (ha!) website.

Ahh...The Academy Awards. The pinnacle of the Hollywood year. Stars are feted, votes are cast, and weird things happen. To begin with, this year's Oscars were hosted by Steve Martin, star of the current chart-topper Bringing Down The House, in which he plays a stuffy white guy paired up with a street-smart black person. This seems to have become it's own genre of film, which such fine examples as I Spy and the upcoming Head of State. The main requirement of these films seems to be that there be a scene in which the black person teaches the stuffy whites to dance to hip-hop music. Why is this funny?

At any rate, Steve Martin was an okay Oscar host, but he seemed to lack the charisma, presence and ease of the greatest Oscar host of all time--David Letterman. I keep hoping that the Academy will select someone interesting to host, like Eddie Izzard or Dame Edna. There needs to be more transvestites hosting awards shows besides when they host the National Transvestite Awards.

Eminem won the Best song or whatever it's called for "Lose Yourself" from 8 Mile, which, in some way, seems to de-legitimize him as a rap/hip-hop/gangsta whatevever it's called artist. It just seems wrong that you'd have a hardcore rapper winning the prestigious Academy Award. It seems like the Academy didn't want to go crazy with awards to blacks like they did last year--they gave the first Academy Award for a rapper to a white rapper. I bet the old-guard suits were happy that Queen Latifah didn't win for her role in Chicago. Now that Eminem is an Academy Award winner and seeing as how he got rave reviews for his acting debut in 8 Mile, I'm proposing that he star in a film opposite a stuffy black guy, say Robert Guillaume or James Earl Jones, in a reversal of the afore-mentioned genre.

The most-talked-about moment of the evening came when wannabe Krispy Kreme spokesman Michael Moore, who seems to have relevance at one point as a champion of the independent filmmaker, won Best Documentary for his vicious anti-gun, anti-Constitution, anti-capitalism and anti-common sense screed Bowling for Columbine, a look at how Dylan Klebold's low average score and inability to pick up a 7-10 split were the main reasons for the Columbine massacre. Moore mounted the stage, along with the other documentary nominees, whom he invited to join him, and launched into a tirade about false election results and ficticious reasons for war. Surprisingly, he received a fair amount of boos from the Hollywood leftist elite, which blew my mind. Could it be that the Hollywood leftist elite is finally accepting the fact that we have a President who, no matter how you feel about the election (which was a really long time ago--get over it), is our Commander-In-Chief? And that even if you don't support the reasons for the war, your tiny little Hollywood voice of protest isn't going to change that fact and that we might as well support the troops, who are following orders and marching out there to die? I don't know why he was booed, but it was nice to see. And from what I hear, Moore was spotted after the Oscars trying to peel the "foil" off his award to get to the sweet chocolate center, but eventually gave up and just ate the whole thing.

I think real defining moment of the Oscars, and most people aren't really commenting on this, came with the Best Director award, which shows how much typical Hollywood is out of touch with reality. Child-rapist Roman Polanski was awarded the statuette and nearly the entire crowd rose to their feet and gave the absent director a standing ovation for this, even though he couldn't be there because he's hiding out from our government in France, not man enough to face up to the fact that he's wanted in the United States for the un-fun things to a minor, and here he is being rewarded for his behavior. How messed up is that?

All-in-all, the Oscars were okay. Chicago won some awards, which was great. No Rob Schneider movies were nominated, so that was kind of cool. Susan Sarandon looked like she'd aged another 15 years and Karl Malden showed up, once again allowing us to gaze upon his impressively bulbous nose. And we got to hear stroke victim Kirk Douglas sound like a slow adult as he and son Michael, who really is a slow adult, announce the Best Picture winner.