Funniness Negates Wrongness
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Minotaur, You Bastard
Michael Moore
Dog Eat Dog Films
Backwards Land


Mr. Minotaur-

Thank you for your letter. I would like to congratulate you for hitting the proverbial nail on the head on several points. The most important point you made in your letter to me was comparing the current situation in the United States in regard to free speech rights to the situation in Germany during Hitler's regime. This is exactly what's happening today in America. George W. Bush is Hitler, John Ashcroft is Hermann Goering and Donald Rumsfeld is Rudolph Hess. We live in scary, fictitious times, in which we're ruled by a president who was "elected" to office under false pretenses. Conservatives say that he was elected under rules laid out in the Constitution, but one must remember that this document was written by narrow-minded, slave-owning Christian men over 200 years ago who could have in no way understood the complexities of this fiction in which we live in. The Constitution is a useless, dead document that we can manipulate as we please to suit our uses.

I'm a documentary filmmaker by trade and I like the truth. Truth as I see it. And the truth in this case is that there's no evidence that Saddam Hussein represents any threat to others. To date, the United States military has found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction or other banned materials in Iraq. You'd think that after six days of battle, something would have shown up. After all, this is a country the size of California...there can't be that many places to hide weapons in such a small area. Why can't they find anything? Because this is all about oil. Oil is a bad thing. When it's plentiful, American auto companies such as GM record record profits and are forced to keep pollution-generating, job-providing plants open in places like my hometown of Flint, Michigan. If you remember, as a champion of the common man, I chronicled the transformation of this once-great city into a ghost town after GM closed the plant there, forcing many people to live in poverty. Shit. I seemed to have just realized that I'm oxymoronic. To support the war is to support the common good, but to do that, I'd have to admit that I'm wrong. As a celebrity, I can't do that.

It doesn't matter if the war is right or wrong, because as long as it's a Republican-led war, it can in no way be right. As a Republican president, George W. Bush is wrong to send in troops to oust a regime. If Bill Clinton were still in office, I would have no problem with this. After all, I never found it necessary to complain when Mr. Clinton sent troops into Kosovo to oust Slobodan Milosevic. So, when you get down to it, anything the Republicans do is wrong and I will do everything in my power to ensure that my views are heard. I am always right. As an Oscar™-winning filmmaker, I have credentials that are beyond that of George W. Bush. For instance, he's never made a film or won an Academy Award. He's never had an official selection in the Berlin Film Festival or at Cannes. He's never eaten his own body weight in Milk Duds. These are the things that count when it comes to great leadership

In closing, thank you once again for your letter. I am enclosing two coupons for a free dozen Krispy Kreme™ donuts. Krispy Kreme™, America's Favorite Donuts & Coffee Since 1937.


Michael Moore
Pompous Filmmaker

The Awful Truth:
Here's something funny from Michael Moore's website. This will give you an idea of how out of touch this man is.

A Letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush on the Eve of War

George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC

Dear Governor Bush:

So today is what you call "the moment of truth," the day that "France and the rest of world have to show their cards on the table." I'm glad to hear that this day has finally arrived. Because, I gotta tell ya, having survived 440 days of your lying and conniving, I wasn't sure if I could take much more. So I'm glad to hear that today is Truth Day, 'cause I got a few truths I would like to share with you:

1. There is virtually NO ONE in America (talk radio nutters and Fox News aside) who is gung-ho to go to war. Trust me on this one. Walk out of the White House and on to any street in America and try to find five people who are PASSIONATE about wanting to kill Iraqis. YOU WON'T FIND THEM! Why? 'Cause NO Iraqis have ever come here and killed any of us! No Iraqi has even threatened to do that. You see, this is how we average Americans think: If a certain so-and-so is not perceived as a threat to our lives, then, believe it or not, we don't want to kill him! Funny how that works!

2. The majority of Americans -- the ones who never elected you -- are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction. We know what the real issues are that affect our daily lives -- and none of them begin with I or end in Q. Here's what threatens us: two and a half million jobs lost since you took office, the stock market having become a cruel joke, no one knowing if their retirement funds are going to be there, gas now costs almost two dollars -- the list goes on and on. Bombing Iraq will not make any of this go away. Only you need to go away for things to improve.

3. As Bill Maher said last week, how bad do you have to suck to lose a popularity contest with Saddam Hussein? The whole world is against you, Mr. Bush. Count your fellow Americans among them.

4. The Pope has said this war is wrong, that it is a SIN. The Pope! But even worse, the Dixie Chicks have now come out against you! How bad does it have to get before you realize that you are an army of one on this war? Of course, this is a war you personally won't have to fight. Just like when you went AWOL while the poor were shipped to Vietnam in your place.

5. Of the 535 members of Congress, only ONE (Sen. Johnson of South Dakota) has an enlisted son or daughter in the armed forces! If you really want to stand up for America, please send your twin daughters over to Kuwait right now and let them don their chemical warfare suits. And let's see every member of Congress with a child of military age also sacrifice their kids for this war effort. What's that you say? You don't THINK so? Well, hey, guess what -- we don't think so either!

6. Finally, we love France. Yes, they have pulled some royal screw-ups. Yes, some of them can be pretty damn annoying. But have you forgotten we wouldn't even have this country known as America if it weren't for the French? That it was their help in the Revolutionary War that won it for us? That our greatest thinkers and founding fathers -- Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, etc. -- spent many years in Paris where they refined the concepts that lead to our Declaration of Independence and our Constitution? That it was France who gave us our Statue of Liberty, a Frenchman who built the Chevrolet, and a pair of French brothers who invented the movies? And now they are doing what only a good friend can do -- tell you the truth about yourself, straight, no b.s. Quit pissing on the French and thank them for getting it right for once. You know, you really should have traveled more (like once) before you took over. Your ignorance of the world has not only made you look stupid, it has painted you into a corner you can't get out of.

Well, cheer up -- there IS good news. If you do go through with this war, more than likely it will be over soon because I'm guessing there aren't a lot of Iraqis willing to lay down their lives to protect Saddam Hussein. After you "win" the war, you will enjoy a huge bump in the popularity polls as everyone loves a winner -- and who doesn't like to see a good ass-whoopin' every now and then (especially when it 's some third world ass!). So try your best to ride this victory all the way to next year's election. Of course, that's still a long ways away, so we'll all get to have a good hardy-har-har while we watch the economy sink even further down the toilet!

But, hey, who knows -- maybe you'll find Osama a few days before the election! See, start thinking like THAT! Keep hope alive! Kill Iraqis -- they got our oil!!


Michael Moore

Note from Rifleman

The above is probably some violation of Fair Use, but I don't really care. Oh, and Mr. Moore...this is one American that is damn enthusiastic about this war. Oh, and it's really sad that the only people you could find besides the Pope to cite are Bill Maher, who apparently idolizes terrorists (after all, he said "We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.")
and the Dixie Chicks. Come on, Mike...surely you can find someone more relevant than three ditzy blondes from Texas. It's people like you who make a small piece of me hope I never become famous.