Funniness Negates Wrongness
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Celebrity Self-Importance
I'm really hoping that this website takes off and becomes ultra-popular. Not so much so that I become fabulously wealthy from merchandising and advertising deals, but rather so that it helps me become a celebrity. Perhaps this site will be a springboard for my burgeoning careers as an internationally-renowned novelist, filmmaker and jetboat pilot, as well as sending more Discovery Channel special narration gigs my direction. Why do I want to become a celebrity? Is it so I can drive flashy cars, have beautiful women and be hounded by papparazi until I'm forced to end it all by directing my driver to smash my Mercedes into a tunnel support underneath a major European capital? Partially. But my main reason for becoming a celebrity is so that I can feel like my opinions on major world issues have some relevance in the lives of ordinary Americans and I can use these opinions to sway the public's impressions of the oppostion political party and their policies.

It's become more and more apparent that a large portion of the American public are cattle who believe everything they are told by celebrities and what they see on TV. In fact, it wasn't until recently that I realized that the President is not, in fact, a Martin Sheen clone named Jed Bartlett, but is actually George Bush, who seems to have gotten a lot of rest and plastic surgery since the last time he was president from 1989-1993. He even dumped that old woman with the pearl necklace for a much younger woman. At any rate, a large portion of us are letting celebrities--people whose only role, by definition, is to look pretty for the camera--think for us. Using advanced metaphysical techniques, including drinking a couple of bottles of Newcastle, while writing this, I've been able to separate the original thoughts in my mind from those thoughts that are flowing through the ether into our collective minds from the brains of celebrities. Here are a few of my findings:

Susan Sarandon - "I'm the most important person in the world. Everyone would be so sad if I drove off of a cliff..."

Mike Farrell - "I'm sure glad I served in the 4077th in the Korean War so I can fully understand the horrors of war and why it's important that we not fight for our freedoms..."

Christoper Walken - "What...can I a simple man...a singular be more...scary...creepy..."

Harvey Weinstein - "Damn, I'm a pompous ugly bastard..."

George Takei - "Give Sulu his own ship then stop making movies with the old cast...goddamn Paramount...I really hope that website endorsement deal comes through. Bill Shatner has all the luck..."

William Shatner - "Almost four years later and still no one suspects that I had anything to do with my wife's 'drowning'..."

Robert Blake - "Bill Shatner has all the luck..."

Rush Limbaugh - "It's wonderful to be so ham-fisted---mmmm...ham...."

Justin Timberlake - "Dammit...How come Fred slept with Britney and not me?"

Rosie O'Donnell - "I would really like to eat a taco right now. Or tuna. Or, better yet, a tuna taco..."

Anna Nicole Smith - "..."

And finally, my thoughts right now - "Most celebrities are idiots..."
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Maybe William Shatner and William Blake had a "I'll kill your wife if you kill mine" pact.