Ahh...Ash Wednesday. The day after Mardi Gras (from the French meaning "Large Breasts", which are traditionally revealed by celebrants on this day), time to put away that DV Cam and submit that footage to Girls Gone Wild. As a quasi-Catholic (I'm more Catholish than Catholic), I am somewhat bemused at the fact that thousands of non-Catholics liberate our holiday each year and use it as an excuse to drink and expose themselves. Sounds like they're well on their way to converting to Catholicism. But since they still haven't converted, they are heathens in the eyes of the Church and may have questions about Ash Wednesday. So, here is a quick Ash Wednesday FAQ:

What is Ash Wednesday?

Ash Wednesday, contrary to what most non-Catholics believe, is not a celebration of the main character from the Evil Dead movies, but is rather the first day of Lent, the religious period immediately after Fuzz. Lent is when Catholics celebrate the miracle of belly-button lint, which miraculously appears in our navels periodically as a gift from God and a sign of His covenant with us, much like circumcision and the Jews, who apparently have no qualms about taking sharp instruments to their genitals. (At least those of us males who were circumcised for a non-theological reason have it done by a doctor in a clinical setting and not by a shaky-handed mohel in front of all our relatives in our bobe's living room).

What does one do on Ash Wednesday?

If you're non-Catholic, you stare at the Catholics with their dirty foreheads and eat a porterhouse. But if you're Catholic, then you get to go to church. Here, the priest will make a cross on your forehead with ashes from burned palms (the trees, not hands). This ashen cross reminds us of the sacrifices the Irish Catholics made to come to the New World, even though they had to ride in steerage, live in the ghettos of New York, become policemen and firemen and say silly things like "Faith and Begorrah". (See Angela's Ashes for more information). You're supposed to wear these ashes all day, but in my experience, they seem to miraculously disappear on the way to the car after Mass. Also, you can't eat meat on Ash Wednesday (or any Friday in Lent). Why? Because the Catholic Church gets kickbacks from Mrs. Paul's and the Pope has conveniently determined that fish isn't exactly meat, never mind the fact that Mrs. Paul's fish sticks aren't exactly food.

What are some other facts about Lent?

During Lent, you are supposed to choose one thing you can't normally do without and give it up as a sign of sacrifice. The Church frowns upon it being something lame, like saying you're going to give up giving up things or that you're going to give up sex, even though you haven't gotten any in the last eight months and your situation doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon. Most good Catholics really do give up with things that they normally can't do without, such as soft drinks, tobacco or candy. There are certain things that the Catholic Church really doesn't want you to give up, though. These include alcohol, breathing and pregnancies. After 40 days and nights of celebrating Lent, Catholics wake up on Easter Sunday to find that during the night the Easter Bunny has come, leaving them candy and signifying the end of Lent. Since Lent is over, good Catholics celebrate by going to church and eating large quantities of meat at Luby's or Old Country Buffet.

What is Easter Sunday?

Easter Sunday, as stated above, is the last day of Lent. On this day, Catholics remember the day that Jesus arose from the dead, rolled the giant stone away from the entrance to his tomb, stepped out into the day and saw his shadow, signifying six more millennia of guilt.

What does a bunny have to do with Easter?

The rabbit, as a prodigious breeder, reminds us that as Catholics, we should breed as much as possible so that there are plenty of altar boys to go around. This also ensures that there will be plenty of priests later on to replace the incarcerated or defrocked priests.

What are some other Lenten/Easter traditions?

Some families like to scatter cellophane "grass" about their homes that they'll keep finding strands of over the next year. This acts as a constant reminder of the special sacrifice Jesus made for us, which, contrary to popular belief, was not dying for our sins, but rather canceling Hee Haw. Some families dye eggs then leave them in the refrigerator on Easter night for the Easter bunny to hide. The Easter Bunny, a master of all modern security systems, breaks into our homes, takes the eggs from the fridge and hides them about the yard. Choice hiding places include planters, drainpipes and hornet nests. Other families might weave "WWJD" bracelets, which means "What Would Judas Do?" They then wear these bracelets with pride and as constant reminders to act in the way that Judas did. Some especially devout people go to Home Depot, purchase landscape timbers and nails, construct a cross in their front yard and nail a loved one to it. (Hey, if you can't nail a loved one, who can you nail?) More fitness-minded people like to remember Jesus' condemner Pontius Pilate by going to the gym and doing pilates. (Not to be confused with the Japanese pronunciation of pirate.

As you can see, there are many ways to celebrate the Lenten season and Easter. Personally, I plan to rent Monty Python's Life of Brian and eat Reese's Chocolate Eggs until I throw up.